.

Short & sweet weekly recap....

All photos are random pics from this week, with the exception of the 2 pics of the girls. They were left over from last weekend. I loved them and wanted to share them.

Only one story this week.. as it is the most important to me.  The girls and I made a fruit rainbow today (Saturday, March 19, 2011). Exactly one month ago, our vibrant Destiny became a beautiful rainbow in the sky. In her honor, I asked the girls to each share what they loved about their sisters, as individuals. We spoke of what family love meant and then we all said a silent prayer for Destiny, Melia, Riley and Hailey. Life is precious. Seek your own rainbows. Paint your life with color, laughter, joy, kindness and love. Destiny did. <3

73-78:365

let it shine

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same” - Nelson Mandela

When I looked through all the photos that I took today, this one was whispering "pick me, pick me!" ... So simple yet so profound for me on this day. Day 4 of my lifestyle change. It had its good moments and it certainly had its not-so-good moments. (tears! hello!?) Just like the picture represents... good=bright sunshine & blue sky. Those two things alone are a perfect reminder that we all can shine if we open ourselves up to the possibilities & surrender to all the good that our life truly is and the bad=those bright rays of sunshine are a little blemished with the dirty winter scum that is on my van window...just like life is blemished with the not-so-good moments, yet there are subtle reminders that fight their way through the muck and shine as bright as they can just to say "look at me! I'm shining! So can you!" 

So, I end today with this thought...“If you look deep within, you will find a brilliant light. Too many, far too many, squint and turn away from the shine. Let your eyes adjust, and bathe in the radiance.” - Unknown .... Just let it be...

41:365

winter whispers

"Physical bravery is an animal instinct; moral bravery is much higher and truer courage." -Wendell Phillips

I was certainly tested, from the very break of dawn, on how much strength and courage that I would be able to call upon today. As I reflect on the day's events, I am surprised at the amount of bravery I possessed today. From the very beginning, facing my fears about driving in bad conditions, to the afternoon when Kari & I faced an unbelievable situation that shook us to the core... I kept repeating, in my head, "I am brave. I am brave. I am brave."  Life is often filled with lessons, tests, trials. We must be open to learn from them so we can grow into the people we are meant to be. No matter how scary the test is, with faith, we can do all things.

This image struck me as I was coming down the hill, by the farm, after I picked up Kari from school. I just quickly held up my camera and snapped hoping for the camera to capture what I saw before me. This brave lone tree is right before my mom's house. I pass it every day. Never could I have guessed what was about to happen soon after we passed it. Today was, without doubt, a day of bravery.

27:365

{message to myself}

this is my prayer box. i fill it every day with prayers for friends, loved ones, strangers, and sometimes, maybe, a message to myself.

today was an emotional roller-coaster. there was good. there was bad. moments of laughter and moments of tears. i am a work in progress. incessant changes within. a perpetual wish for balance, peace, love, abundance, kindness, strength, giving, compassion, laughter, friendship, inspiration and acceptance. my angels were with me today. they brought me through it. i kept hearing a faint whisper telling me "You are brave. You ARE brave. YOU are brave." So I shall be. Brave. Going through the ugly. Feeling the pain. Learn. Let Go. Grow. Be. Along comes bravery.

19:365

{soul food}

{truth}

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love. ~ Marcus Aurelius

wreckage ~ week 4

Not much to say today.

Can you believe that I did not wreck at all this week? Life was really busy and I just didn't make the time for my creative self to come out and play. And I am having just a wee bit of trouble with letting go of trying to be a little clean with my wrecking. I know I need to get passed the "why are you destroying this book that is full of your thoughts/creations?" in order to keep wrecking. I noticed on other blogs that the books are all tattered and torn and really really wrecked. Uh, mine still looks fairly new. Such a shame that I hold onto some sort of idea that I can't shake. I will though. I know it! There is so much inspiration out there for me that I know I will be able to get ugly with my book and...*gulp*...destroy it.

But....seriously...what about all the pretty creations inside it? They'll all be ruined. That's the point though, right?

Here's to more insane wrecking in the upcoming weeks!

let the words soak in...

Live while you are alive...

Learn to be what you are in the seed of your spirit

Learn to free yourself from all things that have molded you

And which limit your secret and undiscovered road...

Never forget that love

Requires you to be

The greatest person you are capable of being,

Self generating and strong and gentle -

Your own hero and star...

Be grateful for life as you live it,

And may a wonderful light

Always guide you along the unfolding road.

- from Ben Okri's "To an English friend in Africa"

*saw this on another blog recently and found it lovely enough that i wanted to share it.

Protect Our Children

Last week on her show, Oprah talked about the sexual predators that seek to harm innocent children in America. Oprah mentioned The Adam Walsh Child Protection Act, an act set up by John Walsh, whose son Adam was kidnapped and murdered in 1981. The Act requires sex offenders to register within their state so that anyone can access their names and addresses and protect their families as best as possible. Unfortunately, in July 2009, the act will have run out of funds, but there is a sample letter on Oprah's website you can download, sign and send to your states senate asking them to comply with the Act. Download the letter HERE.

We, as parents, as citizens, need to do everything we can to make sure the Adam Walsh Child Protection Act can continue. Our children need us to do the right thing! Tell everyone you know to download the letter and send it! Do some good today!

Secret #5 - Committing to Self Focus

Oh man! This chapter of 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women was painfully written for me. Yeah, I know, selfish of me to claim it all for myself but listen, I have been on a quest to take care of myself for many many years. How's that working for me?

Well, it's not working that great!

Even as a small child, I can remember being the caretaker of all my friends, my cousins, my pets and yes, my dolls. I took great pride in making sure everyone was taken care of and felt very good inside being the one to make them feel better and if they weren't feeling better, I would do everything I could to try and "fix" them.

It is just who I am.

As I settled into young adulthood, I was well aware of who I was on that front. There was no doubting that I was the peacemaker, the nurse, the listener, the helper. I took those roles on with great pride as I stated before but I wasn't fooling myself.

I knew very well that I was neglecting myself.

Then motherhood came along. Oh what a joy that was! Being a mother was/is my natural calling. It also is who I am. I just am. When I held my baby girl in my arms that feeling was overwhelming yet so comforting. Why? Well, one of the reasons was that it was guaranteed that I would have at least this one being that needed ME to take care of them, to nurture them, to nurse them, to bring them peace, to listen to them, to help them, to just be there to guide them. That incredibly feeling of being the one to put on my cape and safe the day happened twice more when my other two daughters were born.

I was their superhero.

I never could find my way back to me. I have been saying for years that I was going to take care of myself better, to focus on myself more but it is excruciatingly obvious that I haven't done as I set out to do. Physically, I have allowed myself to be burdened by morbid obesity for years now. I have tried so many things in 20 years without success.

I kinda gave up on myself.

I figured, how can I possibly make it work now when I have such an enormous amount of weight to lose? How can that even be a possible success? Unfortunately for me, it has turned in to a life-threatening disease. I am somewhat crippled now. My life has been altered significantly. Everything I do is challenged because of my obesity. My life...hindered by obesity.

I am living. But I am not alive.

Oh, I want to be alive. I want it with such passion. I just am so far gone that I do not know where to go. Where could my next step possibly take me? Will I ever be able to fix me?

No. Not if I don't shift that focus back onto myself. The focus that I have given to so many people in my life. I have always put everyone else before me. I have done it with grace and pleasure, most of the time. My heart needs to help others.

My spirit comes alive when I help others.

As I read this chapter, I was nodding a lot. I was reaching in the air to stop the invisible fingers from pointing at me. I found myself holding my ears trying to drown out the whispers that I heard as they said "Are you listening Tricia? You know it is time. You know it is time. You know it is time." I found myself crying as I read this profound, heart-thumping quote:

Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim.~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I want my pitcher to fill up to the brim. Oh yes I do. But I need it to spill over. I need to take time to help myself before it is too late.

The same can be said for me mentally and emotionally. I haven't been well mentally as I suffered with the diagnosis of depression. Along with obesity, depression has be the leader of my life. Everything seemed to circle around those two diseases. I could or couldn't do something because of the weight or emotional state I was in at the time. I have had to constantly ask myself "But are you well enough to do that?" or "How can you make it through that?"

All because I haven't made a commitment to focus on myself.

I am trying. God knows how much physical pain I live with daily. God knows how much I cannot do because I am morbidly obese. God knows how emotional baggage I have and God knows how much I have suffered because of both of these diseases.

But I don't want to give depression and morbid obesity the power to take away my life.

I want to live.

I want to be alive.

I want to be free.

I want to love myself enough to say that it is ok to take care of me first for a change. It's time. By doing this, I will cultivate my creative self and nurture her with the grace that I have done for everyone else over the years.

It's my time.

Secret #4 ~ Surrendering to Your Creative Cycles

I used to think that the only way I could be creative was when I was in a dark place, a depression. I say that because I would seemingly crank out the poetry, scrapbook more, read more, drown myself in music, create more art. When I was full of light, I wasn't creating anything near that spectacular. In fact, most of the time, during my light cycles, I wouldn't create a thing. Then depression hit again and my muse was seduced in a writing frenzy. I haven't written poetry in years. I haven't allowed that part of me to come out and play again in years. Probably because I haven't been in a really dark place in years either.

“Creation comes from cycles - sometimes small waves and sometimes big waves. And as the waves end, they want to rest - they have given all they could and need to replenish before moving again.” -Michelle Cassou

I want to acknowledge my rest. I haven't surrendered, yet, to the light cycles of my life. It is time to really believe that I do not have to be in a dark place to create great things. I have rested and replenished. Time to move forward. To create with intention, with purpose and most of all, without self-inflicted expectations. Time to let the light inspire my muse and let it be.

Secret #3- Following Your Fascinations

We have reached secret 3 in the journey of Next Chapter: 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women. As you can tell, I have done everything I can to put this secret off until the last moment. Tomorrow secret 4 will be discussed.

Risks. That word is a like a double edge sword in that it seems so very exciting to me at the thought of taking a risk but it also scares the hell out of me too. To take a risk is like taking that sword, slicing open your chest, exposing the heart of your soul, being excruciatingly vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable while my soul lays spilling open for all to see or even worse, judge.

Risks involve many questions in my head like: Will I fail, again? Who will laugh and point fingers? What is in it for me at the end? Will it help anyone? Is there an escape route if I find myself in the face of fear along the way? You see, more negative questions than positive ones. Yet, somewhere in my soul, I find myself getting pangs of adrenaline at the thought of being confident enough to take a risk without attaching those negative questions. Just go for it. Be daring. Be open to whatever happens. To not worry about the outcome, even if it is failure or others judging me. I see people all around me taking the road of risk and adventure with confidence and enthusiasm. I long for that kind of confidence. Confidence that drowns anxiety and propels living out loud.

I am 36 years old. It is time to stop living a life dripping of questions, doubts and worries. It is time to stop letting anxiety and low self-esteem cower me into a corner of doubt and fear. It is time to trust in myself enough to know that I am intelligent enough to take a risk now and then because it might be one that provides me with great joy in the end and maybe even a boost in confidence. Who wouldn't enjoy that outcome?

I know my obesity is what holds me back more than anything else 85% of the time. It hinders my daily living and is absolutely something that I have to account for regardless of what I am doing, going to do or want to do. I think if weight was not an issue, I would be more willing to take more risks because I know I could get outside of my head long enough to just FLY for a moment and be carefree. But I can't do that while I am obese. Trying everything to change that and still failing is risk in and of itself. I guess I am ultimately taking a bigger risk than I thought. But it is with my life...the quality of my life as an obese woman. I pray for change.

What sustains me on my journey to open up and guide me to follow my fascinations are my amazing husband. No, really, it is true. This man is my everything and I just do not know how I would do much of anything if he were not there being my biggest cheerleader and life coach. My children. They really are my saving grace. I was in a dark place before I became a mother and even a few years into motherhood. I was scared for my life and was a secret cutter and suffered a secret life of bulimia as well. But my daughters... I could see so much when I looked in their eyes. I could see life. I had to press on and take a risk towards a road of recovery. I think I have done pretty well and continue to do pretty well. Soul sisters. Spiritual connection to many online women who are on a similar life journey of creative exploration and greatness. They feed my soul in more ways than I could ever express and somehow, I know I do not even need to find the words because they get it. They really get it. Faith sustains me. Empathy, compassion, art, music, prayer,hope, laughter...they all sustain me.

Difficult this chapter, yes. But I am starting to really love who I am as I walk this path. I will embrace myself in warmth and caress the soul who wants more out of life, to discover who she really is inside and to set that woman free. With purpose and with gratitude for she has been the foundation of my spirit, my soul, my body and my mind. She is the true hero in all of this, the woman who resides inside of me and inside of this fat suit. She is much bigger than all the physical weight. She is much bigger than anyone who doubts who I am or what I can do or become. Even me.

(side note: last week i purchased that tin sign above. it really spoke to me as it reflects what i am trying to do on this journey of mine. i couldnt resist buying it and putting it on this shelf as a daily reminder to do as it says: "Transform Yourself. Spread your wings and FLY. Achieve something great".. lovely, right?)

{inspired living}

The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed. ~maya angelou

{clutter bug}

7 Tips for Beating Clutter Forever

Expert Donna Smallin knows hundreds of ways to get organized, but for long-lasting order at home, these seven simple strategies top her list.

Donna: Most people assume my home is perfectly organized. That's not entirely true. Yes, my house usually looks presentable, because I'm diligent about keeping my kitchen and living areas tidy. And I don't think I could sleep in a messy bedroom, so I never let messes build up there. But just like you, I've got clutter. Why? Because clutter happens. It's a natural byproduct of our busy, productive lives. Luckily, you don't have to stop everything to get organized. You just have to start somewhere. Here's how I do it:

Tip 1: Start with the Easy Stuff
Go through your home room by room in search of trash. Grab a recycling bin and toss outdated coupons, flyers, calendars, old newspapers, magazines, and catalogs. Shred paid utility bills and other statements not needed for tax purposes. Fill bags or boxes with clothing and linens to donate.

Tip 2: Set Small Goals
Say to yourself: Today I'm going to clean out my junk drawer and then I'm going to stop. Or set a timer for 15 minutes and go to it. You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish in these mini decluttering sessions. Seeing each project through gives you confidence for the next one.

Tip 3: Give Everything a Home
A big reason why clutter accumulates is because items are homeless. A good home for a frequently used item is one that makes it easy to retrieve and return. Oven mitts, for example, are ideally stored in a waist-height drawer near the stove, but the best home for a roasting pan might be in the garage, freeing up cabinet space for more regularly used items.

Tip 4: Give Yourself Permission to Let Go
If you had only 10 minutes to evacuate your home, what would you grab? Make a decision to surround yourself with only beloved and useful objects and let go of the rest. Have a garage sale, donate, or post items on freecycle.org, an online exchange.

Tip 5: Deal with Clutter Hotspots
You can't hide all clutter, but you can contain it. Look at where it collects and set up attractive ways to deal with it, like a large bowl on the kitchen counter to collect keys, or a big basket by the door for shoes. Discount stores and office supply houses have everything from patterned folders for storing bills to wicker, fabric, and leather boxes to match your decor.

Tip 6: Declutter Daily
It's easier to keep up than to catch up, so establish a daily routine. Grab a laundry basket and make the rounds, tossing in anything to be put away. Also purge periodically. As you sort through off-season clothing, get rid of what you didn't wear. Clean out filing cabinets at year's end.

Tip 7: Be a Good Gatekeeper
Think twice before you bring home something new. Ask yourself: Do I really need this? Where will I put it? Becoming a more conscious consumer goes a long way toward cutting clutter. Also cancel unwanted catalogs and switch to online bill-paying.

Paper Trail I feel like I spend half my time either filing or trashing paper! Can you relate? Try these strategies:

Perform triage on every piece of paper. Ask yourself, Do I need to save this for legal or tax reasons? If so, file it. Could I get this information again easily? If yes, toss it.Take action right away. File bills in a "Bills to Pay" folder. Respond to an invitation, note details on your calendar, then toss the invitation.Tear out articles from magazines and file them in plastic sleeves in a three-ring binder, then recycle the magazine.Use a notebook instead of random sticky notes for lists and contact info. Then you'll always know where to find what you've written.

Donna Smallin's most recent book is The One-Minute Organizer: A to Z Storage Solutions (Storey Publishing).

**I am currently under a mountain of clutter by my desk/in my office. Everywhere seems to be ok but here, well, I need to get moving with my goals of being clutter free in order to achieve ultimate balance, peace and happiness. I procrastinate this chore for as long as I can and then it manifests into a seriously daunting task that gives me pangs of guilt and makes me ill just thinking about where to start with it. Overwhelmed. I am going to try to follow these steps to simplify my life, my space. It all seems so obvious and common sense-like, I know. But to have it in written form is very helpful to me. *deep breath*...here I go!

secret #2 ~ honoring your inspirations

Following along on this creative discovery journey at Next Chapter: 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women, Jamie asks "What have you always loved? What inspires you? Catches your eye? Makes your heart sing?"

As I read this chapter, I felt connected somehow. I was able to answer the questions at the end and with Jamie's prompt, I was overflowing with things I wanted to write about..the only trouble was allowing myself a moment to sit down to blog about it to share with my journey.mates! So instead of coming up with an elaborately composed post, I am going to take it easy on myself and just be free with the answers to her questions.

I am very much a visual person. I am so inspired by things that caress my visual tendencies. So as I list the things that inspire me, I hope that someone reading this will find new inspiration too.

Bliss for me is:

vintage
warmth
design
photography
art
words (this is a HUGE inspiration. I am constantly caught up in words/quotes/lyrics!)
books
nature
scents
hope
giving
laughter
faith
rain
ocean
solitude
love
nostalgia
confidence (I am encouraged by other people's confidence)
kindness
cards (I am always picking up packs of notecards!)
sunshine
beach
shimmer (girly girl rocks!)
empowerment
unity
patriotism
food/recipes
friends
holidays
family
textures
movies
tv
shabby chic
neatness
organization
colors (pear green, turquoise, martha stewart blue, pink, brown, red)
music (the lyric thing...)
peace
balance
dreams
reading blogs
etsy
flickr
playgrounds
happiness
scripture
sincerity
passion
compassion
(i could go on & on)


The little things...ordinary life inspires me.

My biggest creative hurdle is confidence, self-sabotage, self-criticism, and some physical hurdles challenge me every day. I have always talked myself out of things, especially if it had to do with me creating my art. I am good at being my biggest critic. I am on this journey so I can let go, let God.

I need to let go of all the insecurities that hinder me on a daily basis. As I read this list above, I realize that there is so much in life that lets beauty into my life and I will not be able to fully experience it if I am always on the defensive, always sabotaging myself, not allowing myself to be a confident, creative, ARTful woman.

Inspire & Be Inspired. One of the greatest gifts of life.

wishcasting wednesday

Today is wishcasting wednesday over at the lovely Jamie's ~ Starshyne Productions. You can set your wishes free while supporting the wishes of other lovely people too.



The question asked today is: What do you wish for your creativity?

I wish that my soul will spill open in big ways and I will learn to embrace the art that is created without being overly critical of myself. Instead, I wish to enjoy the process and respect the end result as a product of my authentic creative self being expressed in new ways, bold ways, and dynamic ways. I wish this wish in honor of my creative soul. I wish for more time to be free with my creativity...to make the time that will allow my creativity to take flight! To inspire & be inspired!

Conditions for creativity are to be puzzled; to concentrate; to accept conflict and tension; to be born everyday; to feel a sense of self.~ Erich Fromm

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. ~ Nietzche

Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Secret One: Acknowledging Your Creative Self

So it's begun. A new dawn, a new journey. Scared at first, I wasn't sure if I should commit to any kind of project, especially one that I was going to be held accountable for publicly, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and took a leap of faith. In myself. I have to admit, I am still nervous about this whole process but not because I don't have faith in myself, more so, the lack of faith in my actions. I have started so many endeavors of self-improvement, proclaiming year after year that it was going to be "my year" only to fail, quit, give up somewhere along the process. I would devastate myself by giving up on the one person that needs my love the most...me. How could I expect to give my love freely if I was so easy to give up on myself?

Needless to say, I have felt compelled to begin a year of healing. I won't be giving up this time. I need to be my biggest fan. I need to love myself not for what I look like to the outward eyes that view me but for the way I shine inside. And instead of sabotaging myself yet again, I am going to embrace all of me and nurture my creative soul. I have muted my muse for far too long. It is time I celebrate the beauty that she is and yes, she is extraordinarily beautiful.

When I came across Jamie's posts while she was in the midst of "Soul Coaching," there was a flicker of light being babied inside of me. I felt the flames of change and I knew it was time to surrender, to take a hold of my life again. So she announced that she would lead The Next Chapter: 12 Steps of Highly Creative Women, I knew I had to join. I knew I was going to be living my life motto of "Inspire & Be Inspired"...living an inspired life. Wow! How empowering is that?

There was a sentence in the book that reached out and grabbed me and said LISTEN,

"We continue to be stifled by a host of factors that cause us to sensor our inner voices and follow someone else's dream."

Ahhh! So true. I have allowed myself to be punished by my past; thinking all the time that I am unworthy and feeling increasingly small in a world of people that were not like me. I was/am different. Instead of embracing the unique qualities that I possess, I continued to berate myself for being so on the outside. Well it is time to stop sitting on the sidelines of life. I will not allow myself to feel or be insignificant. I will break through and let my creative muse be free to create magic without abandon, to revel in the beauty within while outwardly expressing what my soul feels. I will listen to my artistic voice and become my authentic self, which is a burst of beautiful ordinary. I will allow compassion and passion to lead me to paint my story in the medium in which my authentic self shines.

My creative self has not yet reached its potential. I am going to live out loud, dare to let go of any inhibitions and fill a void with grace. I'm ready to engage in life, creatively, spiritually and blissfully. Giving up on me is not an option. I will heal. I will soar. I will bleed inspiration. I will encourage my heart's desires to be met. I will breathe in life as I see it and feel it. I want to believe in myself, my photography, my art, my writing and let each of those gifts be opened with the intentions of accepting who I am and what I create to be good enough. I will create a retreat that feeds my soul within my place of comfort and safety, my home. I will cultivate my life and trust my creative muse as she guides me on this new journey of creating the life that fills my soul with joy. I will find my BLISS. I will BE PRESENT. I will BE BLESSED. I will just BE.

In closing, I would like to leave you with this quote that touched me as I read it in the book:

In the sacred traditions, the first thing you do in the morning is ask for blessings from the four elements: earth, air, fire and water. Because all of the work that you are going to do that day will change the universe. ~Laura Esquivel

{Gratitude Sunday}

As a part of my personal growth in 2009, I wanted to document things that I am grateful for each week. These lists can and will include anything from minor, silly things to more personal, deeper, important things. I will highlight what made my heart feel blessed each Sunday. My goal is to list at least 3 to 5 things. I encourage everyone reading this to do the same or something similar. It is very easy to get caught up in the negative energy of life and it really is quite an easy project to take on that allows us to focus on the positive, the blessings, the joy of life. So go on now, fill your soul with life's little blessings.



Gratitude ~ week one

*Having the Wii. Seriously. It has brought my family even closer and there is no way to measure the amount of laughter we have shared over this silly gaming device.

*New books to help continue on a path of self-awareness, self-improvement. Projects that will enhance the quality of my every day life.

*Having the confidence to know that there really is a right time for everything and I knew it was the right time to make some changes that benefit me, for once.

*My children & my husband for being so helpful, understanding and caring about all my health issues right now. They have not complained about the amount of weight they have to do in my place around the house and more. They have all proven their love a thousand times over by being fundamental in making my life (ie: the pain, the obesity, etc) more manageable. I hate to be so dependent on them but thank God they have unconditional love for me. I would truly be lost without them.

*starbucks. ok. so you knew i was going to say that, right? listen, i do love me some starbucks and thank the gods for the days it has pulled me through...but people, i have to cut back. and i will. i am going to try drinking more hot tea. Wait! Seriously though, I will be treating myself to at least one trip to the 'bux a week. it would be sacrilege to not go...right? ;o)

"Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot"

Was blog hopping this morning and came across this & felt compelled to share it with anyone that might find themselves reading my blog.

by Sting

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When you're down and they're counting
When your secrets all found out
When your troubles take to mounting
When the map you have leads you to doubt
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know

Well, Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When the doctors failed to heal you
When no medicine chest can make you well
When no counsel leads to comfort
When there are no more lies they can tell
No more useless information
And the compass spins
The compass spins
between heaven and hell

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

And your eyes turn towards the window pane
To the lights upon the hill
The distance seems so strange to you now

And the dark room seems so still
Let your pain be my sorrow
Let your tears be my tears too
Let your courage be my model
That the north you find will be true
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know

Well, let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you upon your way...

{...to belong}

I've got left over pain that runs deep inside me and I am having a very difficult time tonight dealing with it. I want so badly to rid myself of the scars, the terror, the anxiety, the loneliness it causes me. It isn't a new issue. It is ongoing, ever present. It sits on the edge of my heart and taunts me like a playground bully.

I've tried to work past my inner pain, to let go of the insecurities that inhibit me from being fully approachable, fully likable. Yet, I find myself incessantly wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I am constantly finding myself on the outside of the social circles? I am just always on the outskirts, in the suburbia arena, as I watch everyone else journey to the city. No one looks back to see me standing there, alone.

I am seemingly left out of every social network circle that I try to wedge myself into and it is cumbersome and heartbreaking to feel unworthy of attention, time, care and well, the reciprocity of what it means to be a real friend. I still don't have many of those. I don't really have a "bff" or someone that considers me their "bff." I have very few friends that I even trust with my heart...very few. I feel this guard has sucked my very last breath out of my body and I have nothing more to give. I find myself wondering why...why, God, why in the hell do I continue to share myself with the web of the internet with very little in return? Is it all about receiving? No. But let me tell you, I am sure it feels very good to be on that end on a consistent basis. I spill open for the world to see and watch silently in the shadows as people gawk and pass me by, every time, as if what I have to say or share-whether it is a photography, a blog post, an update- does not matter and is not worthy of their time to comment as they do with everyone else. Sure, let me not discount the wonderful people that do not. There are a small handful that are present because they genuinely care about me. But I am talking more about people who claim friendship and then treat you as though you are nonexistent.

I don't care how old you are, it still stings as if you were 8 and you are always the last chosen for teams. It still hurts no matter how hard I try to work through it. I really would love to know why people don't stick around or why people gawk and continue to walk away from me all the while they are swooning all over common "friends" right before my very eyes. It's heartbreaking to be left on the sidelines all the time. The circles are present. The cliques never really go away. Neither does the pain of feeling less than worthy. But this is something that I will work through this year. With diligence. I will do my best not to be kicked while I am down and better yet, I will work hard not to let being on the outside hurt so deeply. Because, after all, what makes being in some of those circles that special?

At 36, I hope to find my own circle that loves me the way I love them. I mean, isn't that what life is about any way? Surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting people that enhance your life? I don't want to hurt like this any more. Rejection, isolation, abandonment... they all are just too painful. I am just an ordinary woman who wants what most people do, acceptance...to feel like a part of something bigger. To belong. I don't know where I belong.