Today is Father's Day.
I have
always hated this day. Over the years, all the hurt turned to anger only to turn back to hurt. I forced myself to go numb so I would not feel the intense pain this day brought to me. I was the girl without a daddy. I AM the woman without a daddy. I never have and never will know what it is like to have a doting father, one that is proud of you and thinks the sun rises and falls around you. I will never know what it is like to really feel the words that are in the cards in the store. I've always hated trying to find a card for my step-father. Somehow though, I would end up buying a sentimental card for "Dad" not step-dad and as I age, I know the only reason I did that was to appease my mother. Now, I still buy him cards, the man who verbally & emotionally abused me. The only difference is now I only pick out humorous cards. I cannot bring myself to buy a sentimental card because none of it is true for our relationship. I will never get the opportunity to buy one of those cards based on truth of a relationship.
This day makes me feel intense loss. I feel like I was cheated by not having an amazing father. This day is a huge reminder of the rejection and hurt bestowed upon me by my biological father who has always denied my existence and ignored my many attempts to reach out to him, both as a child and now as an adult. I stopped trying a few years ago. I just couldn't handle the pain it caused. How could he reject his own flesh and blood? I used to think I was a bad person because my own father didn't want me and my step-father treated me like I was a disease. I now know that it isn't and wasn't me. It is the two of them who have missed out on a chance to be my daddy; to be the man that I adored most in the world. Instead, that privilege went to my beloved grandfather. And every year that passes since his death, I feel even more pain on this day. He was the love of my life. He was my greatest role model. He was in all aspects of the word, my father. My daddy. Oh I miss him so.
He blessed me with his presence in a dream last night though. I walked into a family gathering and there he was, waiting for me. He said "There's my beautiful girl!" and I ran to his open arms. And it was the best feeling in the world. To feel that kind of love again from the man that acted as my father, not my grandfather. But it brings on such a huge amount of sorrow for me as well. I miss that kind of relationship. I want a daddy. I wish though, that my biological father or even my step-dad wanted that kind of relationship with me.
I try really hard not to dwell on the past. I know what it is like to feel that immense pain of abandonment and rejection. It will never leave me. I get so upset at my husband too because even though he is a great father, he still does not measure up to being the kind of father I wanted for my girls solely based on the image of a father I never had. Granted, he isn't a horrible daddy. He adores his daughters and praises them and hugs them and loves them more than I might even know. But still, there is something in my mind that thinks he should be doing more, saying more, being more.
Today is a hard day for me. Yes. I have so much respect for the men out there that dote on their children and show their love freely. I am envious of that kind of daddy. Yet, I am very happy for the children that get the chance to experience what a real dad is suppose to be. So happy father's day to those who are overjoyed that they have an amazing title of father and those who are so amazing that they can be called daddy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for realizing how precious and special that title is and for loving your children beyond comprehension.
The song by Kelly Pickler about her mother never being there, "I Wonder," hits home with me. It cuts to the very raw places that have never healed. The lyrics bring me to serious tears every time I listen. While the relationships are with a different parent, the words hold the same pain, the same emotional abandonment. I wish I never had to know what that felt like. But I do.
Dad, in the words of Kelly..."sometimes i think about you, wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' 'bout me...would you even recognize the woman that your little girl has grown up to be?"...No, you wouldn't because you chose to walk away and stay away. Well, dad, I feel sorry for you. You have missed out on the chance to be proud of how amazing YOUR daughter is. You cannot take credit for that, I'm so sorry. In spite of your choices, I have grown to be a woman that loves intensely. I forgive you, dad. Now, if you would only forgive yourself, we could have a beautiful relationship. I know that is still my little girl dream that will never come true but I just had to say it as my truth. "Did you think I didn't need you here, to hold my hand, to dry my tears? Did you even miss me through the years at all?" Daddy don't you love me?
