Hello blog... Are you there? It's me, Tricia!
I know! I know! I had good intentions with this new blog. But then I got sucked into that web of thinking, "Wait. Do I really want to share anything with everyone?" Yeah, so, I kinda just let it simmer on the back burner knowing that when it was ready to boil, I would post something. And look, boiling point! ;)
Well, not boiling point in a bad way, just that I have things to spew and here is a good place to do that regardless who reads or doesn't read.
As per usual, I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I turn 36 in less than a week
(oh my freaking hell) and I
still am not where I want to be in my life. I want to
DO more and
BE more. By that, I simply mean that I feel a void in my soul still. I feel a yearning to do more than I have been doing with my life, other than being PTA vice-president and chairperson for multiple committees at the school. Don't get me wrong, I totally love that I have the opportunity to do that, it's just that I know I have a bigger purpose that I have not really found yet. Am I even suppose to "find" it? Or is it suppose to find me? Either way, I need something to find or it better find me soon.
I want to LIVE obnoxiously out loud! I want to do things that make my spirit soar. I want to travel. I want to bake. I want to do more charity work. I want to discover new things. I want to learn new things. I want to challenge myself to be more than I ever thought I could be and to BELIEVE that I can be and do it! I want to write more letters to my girls. I want to LIVE with purpose and promise.
Promise that there is a life waiting for me when I shed this massive amount of weight. Promise that there is the real me waiting to finally exhale. Promise that there are people in my life that fit just right and are there to stay. Promise that I will get to meet the people who I love and adore that I have only known online. The promise to feed my soul with positive energy and calm surroundings and joyful living. To nourish my heart and soul with the truth that lies within my inner self. To shine so brightly like I have never shined before. To do good in this world and to make a real difference in my life, the life of my family and friends and the lives of those who I meet on my life's journey.
(how many times can you say "life" in one sentence?)There are things that I want in my life and I have been sitting stagnant long enough. Today, I made an effort to reach out to my biological half-brother. I have not spoken to him since we were very young. He last told me he hated me because my dad had to pay support for me and that meant he couldn't do things. I know he was young. I know it was complicated to him. I know he is not the only one that was hurting. I was too. I mourned a lost relationship that we once shared. He is only 3 months younger than I am. His name is Chris. He and I look so much alike, it is unreal, like twins. I want to know him, his children and his wife. I want my children to know their uncle. I have tried reaching out to my biological father many many times. There is never a response. My girls have even written letters to their Pappy and he doesn't even acknowledge them either. I pray, with all that I have in me, that my brother will want to reconcile our relationship and be in each other's lives. It felt good to write that letter to him via facebook. but i feel sick to my stomach, afraid of the rejection if he doesnt respond yet full of hope that he will. i REALLY want a relationship with him. i fear he wont want that. im afraid of a broken heart. but I will do my best to hold onto faith. Faith that he will want the same things too, even if it takes awhile to get there. Some day. I hope.
I have really taken time to sort out odd feelings of uncertainty and other junk I was feeling about friendships too. And if you really know me, you know that I have always struggled with the issue of friendship. I often allow myself to feel abandoned, left out, unloved, unworthy etc etc. I also often felt like I would open myself up to people only for them to just not really care about me or be the kind of friend I needed them to be, nor could I be the kind of friend they needed me to be. It has been hard for me to accept that some so called friendships really are not friendships at all. I really don't have that many true friends. And I have even less that I do things with on a daily basis, or just a regular basis. I still long for that perfect friendship...the "best friend" syndrome. I hope it happens before I hit forty. :o) I don't allow others to control how I feel in a relationship any more. And while it hurts a little, I am no longer questioning MY WORTH if the friends start drifting away. That? Is a very good thing.
Lots to process in these few paragraphs so I will not add more
(I so totally could though!) I will just say that I am a work in progress and I like the direction my life is headed. I just need to keep on the right path of self-appreciation and positive thinking.
Be well, internet, be well. Surround yourself with only the things that make you feel good, things that bring joy, love and light to your life. Inspire and be inspired. Daily.
Much love...
