wreckage ~ week 4

Not much to say today.

Can you believe that I did not wreck at all this week? Life was really busy and I just didn't make the time for my creative self to come out and play. And I am having just a wee bit of trouble with letting go of trying to be a little clean with my wrecking. I know I need to get passed the "why are you destroying this book that is full of your thoughts/creations?" in order to keep wrecking. I noticed on other blogs that the books are all tattered and torn and really really wrecked. Uh, mine still looks fairly new. Such a shame that I hold onto some sort of idea that I can't shake. I will though. I know it! There is so much inspiration out there for me that I know I will be able to get ugly with my book and...*gulp*...destroy it.

But....seriously...what about all the pretty creations inside it? They'll all be ruined. That's the point though, right?

Here's to more insane wrecking in the upcoming weeks!

let the words soak in...

Live while you are alive...

Learn to be what you are in the seed of your spirit

Learn to free yourself from all things that have molded you

And which limit your secret and undiscovered road...

Never forget that love

Requires you to be

The greatest person you are capable of being,

Self generating and strong and gentle -

Your own hero and star...

Be grateful for life as you live it,

And may a wonderful light

Always guide you along the unfolding road.

- from Ben Okri's "To an English friend in Africa"

*saw this on another blog recently and found it lovely enough that i wanted to share it.

Protect Our Children

Last week on her show, Oprah talked about the sexual predators that seek to harm innocent children in America. Oprah mentioned The Adam Walsh Child Protection Act, an act set up by John Walsh, whose son Adam was kidnapped and murdered in 1981. The Act requires sex offenders to register within their state so that anyone can access their names and addresses and protect their families as best as possible. Unfortunately, in July 2009, the act will have run out of funds, but there is a sample letter on Oprah's website you can download, sign and send to your states senate asking them to comply with the Act. Download the letter HERE.

We, as parents, as citizens, need to do everything we can to make sure the Adam Walsh Child Protection Act can continue. Our children need us to do the right thing! Tell everyone you know to download the letter and send it! Do some good today!

gourmet*jellybeans

just one of those fun little things in life...
you know, trying to figure out the flavor of gourmet jellybeans.

Secret #3- Following Your Fascinations

We have reached secret 3 in the journey of Next Chapter: 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women. As you can tell, I have done everything I can to put this secret off until the last moment. Tomorrow secret 4 will be discussed.

Risks. That word is a like a double edge sword in that it seems so very exciting to me at the thought of taking a risk but it also scares the hell out of me too. To take a risk is like taking that sword, slicing open your chest, exposing the heart of your soul, being excruciatingly vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable while my soul lays spilling open for all to see or even worse, judge.

Risks involve many questions in my head like: Will I fail, again? Who will laugh and point fingers? What is in it for me at the end? Will it help anyone? Is there an escape route if I find myself in the face of fear along the way? You see, more negative questions than positive ones. Yet, somewhere in my soul, I find myself getting pangs of adrenaline at the thought of being confident enough to take a risk without attaching those negative questions. Just go for it. Be daring. Be open to whatever happens. To not worry about the outcome, even if it is failure or others judging me. I see people all around me taking the road of risk and adventure with confidence and enthusiasm. I long for that kind of confidence. Confidence that drowns anxiety and propels living out loud.

I am 36 years old. It is time to stop living a life dripping of questions, doubts and worries. It is time to stop letting anxiety and low self-esteem cower me into a corner of doubt and fear. It is time to trust in myself enough to know that I am intelligent enough to take a risk now and then because it might be one that provides me with great joy in the end and maybe even a boost in confidence. Who wouldn't enjoy that outcome?

I know my obesity is what holds me back more than anything else 85% of the time. It hinders my daily living and is absolutely something that I have to account for regardless of what I am doing, going to do or want to do. I think if weight was not an issue, I would be more willing to take more risks because I know I could get outside of my head long enough to just FLY for a moment and be carefree. But I can't do that while I am obese. Trying everything to change that and still failing is risk in and of itself. I guess I am ultimately taking a bigger risk than I thought. But it is with my life...the quality of my life as an obese woman. I pray for change.

What sustains me on my journey to open up and guide me to follow my fascinations are my amazing husband. No, really, it is true. This man is my everything and I just do not know how I would do much of anything if he were not there being my biggest cheerleader and life coach. My children. They really are my saving grace. I was in a dark place before I became a mother and even a few years into motherhood. I was scared for my life and was a secret cutter and suffered a secret life of bulimia as well. But my daughters... I could see so much when I looked in their eyes. I could see life. I had to press on and take a risk towards a road of recovery. I think I have done pretty well and continue to do pretty well. Soul sisters. Spiritual connection to many online women who are on a similar life journey of creative exploration and greatness. They feed my soul in more ways than I could ever express and somehow, I know I do not even need to find the words because they get it. They really get it. Faith sustains me. Empathy, compassion, art, music, prayer,hope, laughter...they all sustain me.

Difficult this chapter, yes. But I am starting to really love who I am as I walk this path. I will embrace myself in warmth and caress the soul who wants more out of life, to discover who she really is inside and to set that woman free. With purpose and with gratitude for she has been the foundation of my spirit, my soul, my body and my mind. She is the true hero in all of this, the woman who resides inside of me and inside of this fat suit. She is much bigger than all the physical weight. She is much bigger than anyone who doubts who I am or what I can do or become. Even me.

(side note: last week i purchased that tin sign above. it really spoke to me as it reflects what i am trying to do on this journey of mine. i couldnt resist buying it and putting it on this shelf as a daily reminder to do as it says: "Transform Yourself. Spread your wings and FLY. Achieve something great".. lovely, right?)

{clutter bug}

7 Tips for Beating Clutter Forever

Expert Donna Smallin knows hundreds of ways to get organized, but for long-lasting order at home, these seven simple strategies top her list.

Donna: Most people assume my home is perfectly organized. That's not entirely true. Yes, my house usually looks presentable, because I'm diligent about keeping my kitchen and living areas tidy. And I don't think I could sleep in a messy bedroom, so I never let messes build up there. But just like you, I've got clutter. Why? Because clutter happens. It's a natural byproduct of our busy, productive lives. Luckily, you don't have to stop everything to get organized. You just have to start somewhere. Here's how I do it:

Tip 1: Start with the Easy Stuff
Go through your home room by room in search of trash. Grab a recycling bin and toss outdated coupons, flyers, calendars, old newspapers, magazines, and catalogs. Shred paid utility bills and other statements not needed for tax purposes. Fill bags or boxes with clothing and linens to donate.

Tip 2: Set Small Goals
Say to yourself: Today I'm going to clean out my junk drawer and then I'm going to stop. Or set a timer for 15 minutes and go to it. You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish in these mini decluttering sessions. Seeing each project through gives you confidence for the next one.

Tip 3: Give Everything a Home
A big reason why clutter accumulates is because items are homeless. A good home for a frequently used item is one that makes it easy to retrieve and return. Oven mitts, for example, are ideally stored in a waist-height drawer near the stove, but the best home for a roasting pan might be in the garage, freeing up cabinet space for more regularly used items.

Tip 4: Give Yourself Permission to Let Go
If you had only 10 minutes to evacuate your home, what would you grab? Make a decision to surround yourself with only beloved and useful objects and let go of the rest. Have a garage sale, donate, or post items on freecycle.org, an online exchange.

Tip 5: Deal with Clutter Hotspots
You can't hide all clutter, but you can contain it. Look at where it collects and set up attractive ways to deal with it, like a large bowl on the kitchen counter to collect keys, or a big basket by the door for shoes. Discount stores and office supply houses have everything from patterned folders for storing bills to wicker, fabric, and leather boxes to match your decor.

Tip 6: Declutter Daily
It's easier to keep up than to catch up, so establish a daily routine. Grab a laundry basket and make the rounds, tossing in anything to be put away. Also purge periodically. As you sort through off-season clothing, get rid of what you didn't wear. Clean out filing cabinets at year's end.

Tip 7: Be a Good Gatekeeper
Think twice before you bring home something new. Ask yourself: Do I really need this? Where will I put it? Becoming a more conscious consumer goes a long way toward cutting clutter. Also cancel unwanted catalogs and switch to online bill-paying.

Paper Trail I feel like I spend half my time either filing or trashing paper! Can you relate? Try these strategies:

Perform triage on every piece of paper. Ask yourself, Do I need to save this for legal or tax reasons? If so, file it. Could I get this information again easily? If yes, toss it.Take action right away. File bills in a "Bills to Pay" folder. Respond to an invitation, note details on your calendar, then toss the invitation.Tear out articles from magazines and file them in plastic sleeves in a three-ring binder, then recycle the magazine.Use a notebook instead of random sticky notes for lists and contact info. Then you'll always know where to find what you've written.

Donna Smallin's most recent book is The One-Minute Organizer: A to Z Storage Solutions (Storey Publishing).

**I am currently under a mountain of clutter by my desk/in my office. Everywhere seems to be ok but here, well, I need to get moving with my goals of being clutter free in order to achieve ultimate balance, peace and happiness. I procrastinate this chore for as long as I can and then it manifests into a seriously daunting task that gives me pangs of guilt and makes me ill just thinking about where to start with it. Overwhelmed. I am going to try to follow these steps to simplify my life, my space. It all seems so obvious and common sense-like, I know. But to have it in written form is very helpful to me. *deep breath*...here I go!

{...to belong}

I've got left over pain that runs deep inside me and I am having a very difficult time tonight dealing with it. I want so badly to rid myself of the scars, the terror, the anxiety, the loneliness it causes me. It isn't a new issue. It is ongoing, ever present. It sits on the edge of my heart and taunts me like a playground bully.

I've tried to work past my inner pain, to let go of the insecurities that inhibit me from being fully approachable, fully likable. Yet, I find myself incessantly wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I am constantly finding myself on the outside of the social circles? I am just always on the outskirts, in the suburbia arena, as I watch everyone else journey to the city. No one looks back to see me standing there, alone.

I am seemingly left out of every social network circle that I try to wedge myself into and it is cumbersome and heartbreaking to feel unworthy of attention, time, care and well, the reciprocity of what it means to be a real friend. I still don't have many of those. I don't really have a "bff" or someone that considers me their "bff." I have very few friends that I even trust with my heart...very few. I feel this guard has sucked my very last breath out of my body and I have nothing more to give. I find myself wondering why...why, God, why in the hell do I continue to share myself with the web of the internet with very little in return? Is it all about receiving? No. But let me tell you, I am sure it feels very good to be on that end on a consistent basis. I spill open for the world to see and watch silently in the shadows as people gawk and pass me by, every time, as if what I have to say or share-whether it is a photography, a blog post, an update- does not matter and is not worthy of their time to comment as they do with everyone else. Sure, let me not discount the wonderful people that do not. There are a small handful that are present because they genuinely care about me. But I am talking more about people who claim friendship and then treat you as though you are nonexistent.

I don't care how old you are, it still stings as if you were 8 and you are always the last chosen for teams. It still hurts no matter how hard I try to work through it. I really would love to know why people don't stick around or why people gawk and continue to walk away from me all the while they are swooning all over common "friends" right before my very eyes. It's heartbreaking to be left on the sidelines all the time. The circles are present. The cliques never really go away. Neither does the pain of feeling less than worthy. But this is something that I will work through this year. With diligence. I will do my best not to be kicked while I am down and better yet, I will work hard not to let being on the outside hurt so deeply. Because, after all, what makes being in some of those circles that special?

At 36, I hope to find my own circle that loves me the way I love them. I mean, isn't that what life is about any way? Surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting people that enhance your life? I don't want to hurt like this any more. Rejection, isolation, abandonment... they all are just too painful. I am just an ordinary woman who wants what most people do, acceptance...to feel like a part of something bigger. To belong. I don't know where I belong.

trying.

“Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see.” ~William Newton Clarke

I have big plans for 2009. Faith is the key to allowing those plans to become a reality unlike this past year. It's been one of the hardest years of my adult life. I'm ready to let go.

be touched...

Go grab a coffee and a soft blanket. And come back quickly.

Wait.

You might want to get a box of tissues while you're up.

Go on...I'll wait.

You're back?

Good.

Let your heart be touched ...

Words need not be spoken... just go to this site.

You're soul will be full of so much.

And that's ok.

Let it be.

Just be.

In the moment.

Now...

Keep living an inspired life.

a few of my favorite things

I am having a love affair with etsy.com lately. Herein lies the problem... I can't indulge myself aka spoil myself with the lush goodness that I am finding. Not yet anyway. But I thought I would share with you, a few of my favorite things...things that I seriously wish were MINE! ;o) enjoy. do you have any favorite sellers on etsy that you care to share? My favorite sellers list is huge. I mean, like, HUGE huge. It's an illness, people. This ring. Ah, this ring has so much charm and character. It is so me, no?

And then we have this adorable, big, rich, lush bag. A bit pricey for my wallet, but I covet it. I do. I even love that it comes in brown too. Mmm, goodness!


Oh, yum. Who can resist these fun and gorgeous lanyards?!?! Since I was hired by the school district, I need a lanyard to clip my id badge to. I am drooling over this fabulous green one and all the others she has listed! I need this one. Need!


One of my most favorite flickr people is kristybee. Imagine my delight when I found out that she is, in fact, selling her AMAZING images on etsy! I want so many of them! I can close my eyes and envision exactly where I would like them to go in my home. This image in particular would reside in my kitchen, naturally. Love love love it! Oh her work is soul soothing.


And this one, probably on my nightstand in a cute shabby chic frame.


Inspire and be inspired. My biggest life motto. This woman is insanely inspiring. Besides this print, I am hoping to get her book- Taking Flight- soon. Words cannot express just how her art seeps into my soul. I beg you, just let it.


Let's get funky, funky!! Everyone is making these fresh camera strap covers! Gotta love this one, like, lots!! Why be boring when you can express yourself? Yay!


Cuteness overload! No, really. I have wanted a darling key fob for a long time and these are just too cute and girly! You must take a look at her hair pretties too! Can you just imagine how darling those must look in a little girl's hair? I know!


And for now, I will end with this beautiful piece of art that I covet. Just lovely. Truly.


I hope you have enjoyed seeing some of my favorite things. I will do posts like this every now and again. I hope you come back to soak in the beauty that I have to share! oxox
now promise me that you will not go out and buy my beloved favorites for yourself before i have the chance to buy them all for me! haha! j/k

{lovin' it}

Recently, I was introduced to a new indie artist, Priscilla Ahn, and I have to say, I am in love with her voice. Pure magic, people. Seriously. Especially if you are into this kind of music as I am. Just listen to her...ahhh...insane goodness.



"Dream"...it just speaks to my soul in ways I dare not express out loud. It is powerful.

priscillahn.com

Priscilla on MySpace

Happy Thanksgiving! I am feeling undoubtedly blessed this year and my wish is that you all will know just how special you are. And that your life blessings will be abundant! Life, as we know it, is full of complexities but the greatest thing is that we all have the power to simplify, to lessen the complex stresses in our lives. Remember, as we give thanks, to extend your heart and soul in simple acts of kindness. You never know what your thoughtfulness will do for someone's spirit. Change lives. I promise it will change your life as well. Embrace simplicity with grace. Walk in faith with grace. Be grace.

{unity}

I want to say so much in response to so many words that I have read this week, words that I find offensive, but I don't have the energy to go there any more. I just want unity. I want people to come together for the greater good of peace and moving forward. no, things won't change overnight, but we can all keep moving towards positive change, bathing ourselves in positive energy and taking responsibility for our words and actions. I will never stop hoping for a better future.

yes, I am a passionate supporter of obama.but that does NOT automatically make me blindly stupid. nor do I think that he is the messiah. I am NOT misguided in my decision. I made an educated decision. I did not become a sheep. I am an individual. An individual among many deserving respect... no matter what color you seem to bleed. i personally feel that if you live in the USA you should bleed red, white & blue.

h.o.p.e.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” - Margaret Mead


"In the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it." -Barack Obama


"This is going to require a new spirit, not of bluster and bombast, but of quiet confidence and sober intelligence, a spirit of care and renewed competence." - Barack Obama

just one more week...

{lovin' it}

I thought it would be fun to start a new thing on my blog. I come across things all the time that are fabulous. So I thought, hey, why not compose a little post about these items of fabulocity? Seriously, right? :o) So from time to time, I will create a little something & call it "Lovin' It"...fair enough? Yeah, I thought so! After all, girls are suppose to share their delicious finds with other girls who will appreciate the love of shopping, coveting yummy goodies, and well, shopping. Oh. I said that already. ;o)

For the first installment of Lovin' It, I wanted to showcase an amazing jewelry maker, Lisa Leonard. Child, I am telling you...I'm some kind of c.r.a.z.y. over her beautiful pieces of jewelry...art, really.

I could sit here all night and show you pieces I covet the most but this new piece caught my eye tonight and I began to drool feverishly wishing it were MINE! ALL MINE! Oh I can dream. But mark my word, I WILL own a piece or, hey, while I am at it, several pieces some day! I just have to, yanno?

So go, peruse her wonderfully delicious shop but be prepared, you will drool. Grab some kleenex or something.

You can thank me later.

Seriously, go.

seriously