Secret #5 - Committing to Self Focus

Oh man! This chapter of 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women was painfully written for me. Yeah, I know, selfish of me to claim it all for myself but listen, I have been on a quest to take care of myself for many many years. How's that working for me?

Well, it's not working that great!

Even as a small child, I can remember being the caretaker of all my friends, my cousins, my pets and yes, my dolls. I took great pride in making sure everyone was taken care of and felt very good inside being the one to make them feel better and if they weren't feeling better, I would do everything I could to try and "fix" them.

It is just who I am.

As I settled into young adulthood, I was well aware of who I was on that front. There was no doubting that I was the peacemaker, the nurse, the listener, the helper. I took those roles on with great pride as I stated before but I wasn't fooling myself.

I knew very well that I was neglecting myself.

Then motherhood came along. Oh what a joy that was! Being a mother was/is my natural calling. It also is who I am. I just am. When I held my baby girl in my arms that feeling was overwhelming yet so comforting. Why? Well, one of the reasons was that it was guaranteed that I would have at least this one being that needed ME to take care of them, to nurture them, to nurse them, to bring them peace, to listen to them, to help them, to just be there to guide them. That incredibly feeling of being the one to put on my cape and safe the day happened twice more when my other two daughters were born.

I was their superhero.

I never could find my way back to me. I have been saying for years that I was going to take care of myself better, to focus on myself more but it is excruciatingly obvious that I haven't done as I set out to do. Physically, I have allowed myself to be burdened by morbid obesity for years now. I have tried so many things in 20 years without success.

I kinda gave up on myself.

I figured, how can I possibly make it work now when I have such an enormous amount of weight to lose? How can that even be a possible success? Unfortunately for me, it has turned in to a life-threatening disease. I am somewhat crippled now. My life has been altered significantly. Everything I do is challenged because of my obesity. My life...hindered by obesity.

I am living. But I am not alive.

Oh, I want to be alive. I want it with such passion. I just am so far gone that I do not know where to go. Where could my next step possibly take me? Will I ever be able to fix me?

No. Not if I don't shift that focus back onto myself. The focus that I have given to so many people in my life. I have always put everyone else before me. I have done it with grace and pleasure, most of the time. My heart needs to help others.

My spirit comes alive when I help others.

As I read this chapter, I was nodding a lot. I was reaching in the air to stop the invisible fingers from pointing at me. I found myself holding my ears trying to drown out the whispers that I heard as they said "Are you listening Tricia? You know it is time. You know it is time. You know it is time." I found myself crying as I read this profound, heart-thumping quote:

Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim.~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I want my pitcher to fill up to the brim. Oh yes I do. But I need it to spill over. I need to take time to help myself before it is too late.

The same can be said for me mentally and emotionally. I haven't been well mentally as I suffered with the diagnosis of depression. Along with obesity, depression has be the leader of my life. Everything seemed to circle around those two diseases. I could or couldn't do something because of the weight or emotional state I was in at the time. I have had to constantly ask myself "But are you well enough to do that?" or "How can you make it through that?"

All because I haven't made a commitment to focus on myself.

I am trying. God knows how much physical pain I live with daily. God knows how much I cannot do because I am morbidly obese. God knows how emotional baggage I have and God knows how much I have suffered because of both of these diseases.

But I don't want to give depression and morbid obesity the power to take away my life.

I want to live.

I want to be alive.

I want to be free.

I want to love myself enough to say that it is ok to take care of me first for a change. It's time. By doing this, I will cultivate my creative self and nurture her with the grace that I have done for everyone else over the years.

It's my time.

Secret #4 ~ Surrendering to Your Creative Cycles

I used to think that the only way I could be creative was when I was in a dark place, a depression. I say that because I would seemingly crank out the poetry, scrapbook more, read more, drown myself in music, create more art. When I was full of light, I wasn't creating anything near that spectacular. In fact, most of the time, during my light cycles, I wouldn't create a thing. Then depression hit again and my muse was seduced in a writing frenzy. I haven't written poetry in years. I haven't allowed that part of me to come out and play again in years. Probably because I haven't been in a really dark place in years either.

“Creation comes from cycles - sometimes small waves and sometimes big waves. And as the waves end, they want to rest - they have given all they could and need to replenish before moving again.” -Michelle Cassou

I want to acknowledge my rest. I haven't surrendered, yet, to the light cycles of my life. It is time to really believe that I do not have to be in a dark place to create great things. I have rested and replenished. Time to move forward. To create with intention, with purpose and most of all, without self-inflicted expectations. Time to let the light inspire my muse and let it be.

Secret #3- Following Your Fascinations

We have reached secret 3 in the journey of Next Chapter: 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women. As you can tell, I have done everything I can to put this secret off until the last moment. Tomorrow secret 4 will be discussed.

Risks. That word is a like a double edge sword in that it seems so very exciting to me at the thought of taking a risk but it also scares the hell out of me too. To take a risk is like taking that sword, slicing open your chest, exposing the heart of your soul, being excruciatingly vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable while my soul lays spilling open for all to see or even worse, judge.

Risks involve many questions in my head like: Will I fail, again? Who will laugh and point fingers? What is in it for me at the end? Will it help anyone? Is there an escape route if I find myself in the face of fear along the way? You see, more negative questions than positive ones. Yet, somewhere in my soul, I find myself getting pangs of adrenaline at the thought of being confident enough to take a risk without attaching those negative questions. Just go for it. Be daring. Be open to whatever happens. To not worry about the outcome, even if it is failure or others judging me. I see people all around me taking the road of risk and adventure with confidence and enthusiasm. I long for that kind of confidence. Confidence that drowns anxiety and propels living out loud.

I am 36 years old. It is time to stop living a life dripping of questions, doubts and worries. It is time to stop letting anxiety and low self-esteem cower me into a corner of doubt and fear. It is time to trust in myself enough to know that I am intelligent enough to take a risk now and then because it might be one that provides me with great joy in the end and maybe even a boost in confidence. Who wouldn't enjoy that outcome?

I know my obesity is what holds me back more than anything else 85% of the time. It hinders my daily living and is absolutely something that I have to account for regardless of what I am doing, going to do or want to do. I think if weight was not an issue, I would be more willing to take more risks because I know I could get outside of my head long enough to just FLY for a moment and be carefree. But I can't do that while I am obese. Trying everything to change that and still failing is risk in and of itself. I guess I am ultimately taking a bigger risk than I thought. But it is with my life...the quality of my life as an obese woman. I pray for change.

What sustains me on my journey to open up and guide me to follow my fascinations are my amazing husband. No, really, it is true. This man is my everything and I just do not know how I would do much of anything if he were not there being my biggest cheerleader and life coach. My children. They really are my saving grace. I was in a dark place before I became a mother and even a few years into motherhood. I was scared for my life and was a secret cutter and suffered a secret life of bulimia as well. But my daughters... I could see so much when I looked in their eyes. I could see life. I had to press on and take a risk towards a road of recovery. I think I have done pretty well and continue to do pretty well. Soul sisters. Spiritual connection to many online women who are on a similar life journey of creative exploration and greatness. They feed my soul in more ways than I could ever express and somehow, I know I do not even need to find the words because they get it. They really get it. Faith sustains me. Empathy, compassion, art, music, prayer,hope, laughter...they all sustain me.

Difficult this chapter, yes. But I am starting to really love who I am as I walk this path. I will embrace myself in warmth and caress the soul who wants more out of life, to discover who she really is inside and to set that woman free. With purpose and with gratitude for she has been the foundation of my spirit, my soul, my body and my mind. She is the true hero in all of this, the woman who resides inside of me and inside of this fat suit. She is much bigger than all the physical weight. She is much bigger than anyone who doubts who I am or what I can do or become. Even me.

(side note: last week i purchased that tin sign above. it really spoke to me as it reflects what i am trying to do on this journey of mine. i couldnt resist buying it and putting it on this shelf as a daily reminder to do as it says: "Transform Yourself. Spread your wings and FLY. Achieve something great".. lovely, right?)

secret #2 ~ honoring your inspirations

Following along on this creative discovery journey at Next Chapter: 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women, Jamie asks "What have you always loved? What inspires you? Catches your eye? Makes your heart sing?"

As I read this chapter, I felt connected somehow. I was able to answer the questions at the end and with Jamie's prompt, I was overflowing with things I wanted to write about..the only trouble was allowing myself a moment to sit down to blog about it to share with my journey.mates! So instead of coming up with an elaborately composed post, I am going to take it easy on myself and just be free with the answers to her questions.

I am very much a visual person. I am so inspired by things that caress my visual tendencies. So as I list the things that inspire me, I hope that someone reading this will find new inspiration too.

Bliss for me is:

vintage
warmth
design
photography
art
words (this is a HUGE inspiration. I am constantly caught up in words/quotes/lyrics!)
books
nature
scents
hope
giving
laughter
faith
rain
ocean
solitude
love
nostalgia
confidence (I am encouraged by other people's confidence)
kindness
cards (I am always picking up packs of notecards!)
sunshine
beach
shimmer (girly girl rocks!)
empowerment
unity
patriotism
food/recipes
friends
holidays
family
textures
movies
tv
shabby chic
neatness
organization
colors (pear green, turquoise, martha stewart blue, pink, brown, red)
music (the lyric thing...)
peace
balance
dreams
reading blogs
etsy
flickr
playgrounds
happiness
scripture
sincerity
passion
compassion
(i could go on & on)


The little things...ordinary life inspires me.

My biggest creative hurdle is confidence, self-sabotage, self-criticism, and some physical hurdles challenge me every day. I have always talked myself out of things, especially if it had to do with me creating my art. I am good at being my biggest critic. I am on this journey so I can let go, let God.

I need to let go of all the insecurities that hinder me on a daily basis. As I read this list above, I realize that there is so much in life that lets beauty into my life and I will not be able to fully experience it if I am always on the defensive, always sabotaging myself, not allowing myself to be a confident, creative, ARTful woman.

Inspire & Be Inspired. One of the greatest gifts of life.

Secret One: Acknowledging Your Creative Self

So it's begun. A new dawn, a new journey. Scared at first, I wasn't sure if I should commit to any kind of project, especially one that I was going to be held accountable for publicly, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and took a leap of faith. In myself. I have to admit, I am still nervous about this whole process but not because I don't have faith in myself, more so, the lack of faith in my actions. I have started so many endeavors of self-improvement, proclaiming year after year that it was going to be "my year" only to fail, quit, give up somewhere along the process. I would devastate myself by giving up on the one person that needs my love the most...me. How could I expect to give my love freely if I was so easy to give up on myself?

Needless to say, I have felt compelled to begin a year of healing. I won't be giving up this time. I need to be my biggest fan. I need to love myself not for what I look like to the outward eyes that view me but for the way I shine inside. And instead of sabotaging myself yet again, I am going to embrace all of me and nurture my creative soul. I have muted my muse for far too long. It is time I celebrate the beauty that she is and yes, she is extraordinarily beautiful.

When I came across Jamie's posts while she was in the midst of "Soul Coaching," there was a flicker of light being babied inside of me. I felt the flames of change and I knew it was time to surrender, to take a hold of my life again. So she announced that she would lead The Next Chapter: 12 Steps of Highly Creative Women, I knew I had to join. I knew I was going to be living my life motto of "Inspire & Be Inspired"...living an inspired life. Wow! How empowering is that?

There was a sentence in the book that reached out and grabbed me and said LISTEN,

"We continue to be stifled by a host of factors that cause us to sensor our inner voices and follow someone else's dream."

Ahhh! So true. I have allowed myself to be punished by my past; thinking all the time that I am unworthy and feeling increasingly small in a world of people that were not like me. I was/am different. Instead of embracing the unique qualities that I possess, I continued to berate myself for being so on the outside. Well it is time to stop sitting on the sidelines of life. I will not allow myself to feel or be insignificant. I will break through and let my creative muse be free to create magic without abandon, to revel in the beauty within while outwardly expressing what my soul feels. I will listen to my artistic voice and become my authentic self, which is a burst of beautiful ordinary. I will allow compassion and passion to lead me to paint my story in the medium in which my authentic self shines.

My creative self has not yet reached its potential. I am going to live out loud, dare to let go of any inhibitions and fill a void with grace. I'm ready to engage in life, creatively, spiritually and blissfully. Giving up on me is not an option. I will heal. I will soar. I will bleed inspiration. I will encourage my heart's desires to be met. I will breathe in life as I see it and feel it. I want to believe in myself, my photography, my art, my writing and let each of those gifts be opened with the intentions of accepting who I am and what I create to be good enough. I will create a retreat that feeds my soul within my place of comfort and safety, my home. I will cultivate my life and trust my creative muse as she guides me on this new journey of creating the life that fills my soul with joy. I will find my BLISS. I will BE PRESENT. I will BE BLESSED. I will just BE.

In closing, I would like to leave you with this quote that touched me as I read it in the book:

In the sacred traditions, the first thing you do in the morning is ask for blessings from the four elements: earth, air, fire and water. Because all of the work that you are going to do that day will change the universe. ~Laura Esquivel