Oh man! This chapter of 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women was painfully written for me. Yeah, I know, selfish of me to claim it all for myself but listen, I have been on a quest to take care of myself for many many years. How's that working for me?
Well, it's not working that great!
Even as a small child, I can remember being the caretaker of all my friends, my cousins, my pets and yes, my dolls. I took great pride in making sure everyone was taken care of and felt very good inside being the one to make them feel better and if they weren't feeling better, I would do everything I could to try and "fix" them.
It is just who I am.
As I settled into young adulthood, I was well aware of who I was on that front. There was no doubting that I was the peacemaker, the nurse, the listener, the helper. I took those roles on with great pride as I stated before but I wasn't fooling myself.
I knew very well that I was neglecting myself.
Then motherhood came along. Oh what a joy that was! Being a mother was/is my natural calling. It also is who I am. I just am. When I held my baby girl in my arms that feeling was overwhelming yet so comforting. Why? Well, one of the reasons was that it was guaranteed that I would have at least this one being that needed ME to take care of them, to nurture them, to nurse them, to bring them peace, to listen to them, to help them, to just be there to guide them. That incredibly feeling of being the one to put on my cape and safe the day happened twice more when my other two daughters were born.
I was their superhero.
I never could find my way back to me. I have been saying for years that I was going to take care of myself better, to focus on myself more but it is excruciatingly obvious that I haven't done as I set out to do. Physically, I have allowed myself to be burdened by morbid obesity for years now. I have tried so many things in 20 years without success.
I kinda gave up on myself.
I figured, how can I possibly make it work now when I have such an enormous amount of weight to lose? How can that even be a possible success? Unfortunately for me, it has turned in to a life-threatening disease. I am somewhat crippled now. My life has been altered significantly. Everything I do is challenged because of my obesity. My life...hindered by obesity.
I am living. But I am not alive.
Oh, I want to be alive. I want it with such passion. I just am so far gone that I do not know where to go. Where could my next step possibly take me? Will I ever be able to fix me?
No. Not if I don't shift that focus back onto myself. The focus that I have given to so many people in my life. I have always put everyone else before me. I have done it with grace and pleasure, most of the time. My heart needs to help others.
My spirit comes alive when I help others.
As I read this chapter, I was nodding a lot. I was reaching in the air to stop the invisible fingers from pointing at me. I found myself holding my ears trying to drown out the whispers that I heard as they said "Are you listening Tricia? You know it is time. You know it is time. You know it is time." I found myself crying as I read this profound, heart-thumping quote:
Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim.~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
I want my pitcher to fill up to the brim. Oh yes I do. But I need it to spill over. I need to take time to help myself before it is too late.
The same can be said for me mentally and emotionally. I haven't been well mentally as I suffered with the diagnosis of depression. Along with obesity, depression has be the leader of my life. Everything seemed to circle around those two diseases. I could or couldn't do something because of the weight or emotional state I was in at the time. I have had to constantly ask myself "But are you well enough to do that?" or "How can you make it through that?"
All because I haven't made a commitment to focus on myself.
I am trying. God knows how much physical pain I live with daily. God knows how much I cannot do because I am morbidly obese. God knows how emotional baggage I have and God knows how much I have suffered because of both of these diseases.
But I don't want to give depression and morbid obesity the power to take away my life.
I want to live.
I want to be alive.
I want to be free.
I want to love myself enough to say that it is ok to take care of me first for a change. It's time. By doing this, I will cultivate my creative self and nurture her with the grace that I have done for everyone else over the years.
It's my time.
8 comments:
If you can be such a powerhouse for others (and it's so clear you have been) then you certainly can do it for yourself. Step by step! I believe in you, and I know you have it in you! Blossom woman - it's almost spring!
We each have our own journey, yet we may have traveled a similar path. I am sending you hugs & healing vibes.
Oh, Tricia, you need to, you MUST take care of this physical body. It is the vessel through which you experience this life; it is the conduit for your creativity; it is your soul's sensual manifestation of itself. Without a healthy body, we cannot have a healthy spiritual experience. Our soul and body are one.
I cannot imagine the pain and the anguish that you have lived through to create this trap for yourself. But it is time to set yourSelf free. You can feel your desire for freedom crying out in this blog.
Care for yourself as you have others, Tricia. And if that means getting help, which can be hard to admit we need, then go get it. What would you do for your babies in this case? Do it for YOU.
Blisschick raises a great point. What would you advise your girls to do if they were you. Be your best cheerleader or find people who can help you get started.
If you really want to change, you already have everything you need to make it happen, the strength, the resources, the internal power. Just trust and use them.
My god, I could have written this post, it rings so true. I am morbidly obese and living with major depression, but finally, through creativity, I am beginning to find a way to take of myself. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Tricia, and you are heading towards it. You've already begun the journey.
Tricia, I am sending you wishes of love and happiness. I can very much identify with being a lifelong caretaker, and a need to be needed so much so that I neglected myself to care for others to an extreme. I'd like to share a book with you that shed a LOT of light on my behaviors and put me on a path to healing. It is by Melodie Beatty - Codependent No More. Lots of good stuff for self-focus and healing. Also another daily lifesaving tool was a deck of affirmation cards by the same woman called "The Language of Letting Go". It's all about baby steps and you ae on the right path. I wish you much success. And since I can't totally curb my urges to help others, here is a link to check out if you are inclined. http://odin.himinbi.org/text/Melodie%20Beattie%20-%20Characteristics%20of%20Codependent%20People.html
I so agree with the other comments, how would you take care of yourself if you were your daughter or your best friend? What advice and care would you give? Start giving that to yourself today. You might want to watch this too:
http://www.thebiggestloser.com.au/video.htm
Darling, I want you to be alive. I want you to come and play and giggle and draw and dance and smile and love up your precious self, your life and everyone in it.
And here's the thing. You don't have to give up being a caretaker or a mom or a peacemaker or the one that loves and cares. You get to keep that. It's a part of you. And you get to be all the rest of what you are. All of it.
It's time. There's room for you.
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