Secret #5 - Committing to Self Focus

Oh man! This chapter of 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women was painfully written for me. Yeah, I know, selfish of me to claim it all for myself but listen, I have been on a quest to take care of myself for many many years. How's that working for me?

Well, it's not working that great!

Even as a small child, I can remember being the caretaker of all my friends, my cousins, my pets and yes, my dolls. I took great pride in making sure everyone was taken care of and felt very good inside being the one to make them feel better and if they weren't feeling better, I would do everything I could to try and "fix" them.

It is just who I am.

As I settled into young adulthood, I was well aware of who I was on that front. There was no doubting that I was the peacemaker, the nurse, the listener, the helper. I took those roles on with great pride as I stated before but I wasn't fooling myself.

I knew very well that I was neglecting myself.

Then motherhood came along. Oh what a joy that was! Being a mother was/is my natural calling. It also is who I am. I just am. When I held my baby girl in my arms that feeling was overwhelming yet so comforting. Why? Well, one of the reasons was that it was guaranteed that I would have at least this one being that needed ME to take care of them, to nurture them, to nurse them, to bring them peace, to listen to them, to help them, to just be there to guide them. That incredibly feeling of being the one to put on my cape and safe the day happened twice more when my other two daughters were born.

I was their superhero.

I never could find my way back to me. I have been saying for years that I was going to take care of myself better, to focus on myself more but it is excruciatingly obvious that I haven't done as I set out to do. Physically, I have allowed myself to be burdened by morbid obesity for years now. I have tried so many things in 20 years without success.

I kinda gave up on myself.

I figured, how can I possibly make it work now when I have such an enormous amount of weight to lose? How can that even be a possible success? Unfortunately for me, it has turned in to a life-threatening disease. I am somewhat crippled now. My life has been altered significantly. Everything I do is challenged because of my obesity. My life...hindered by obesity.

I am living. But I am not alive.

Oh, I want to be alive. I want it with such passion. I just am so far gone that I do not know where to go. Where could my next step possibly take me? Will I ever be able to fix me?

No. Not if I don't shift that focus back onto myself. The focus that I have given to so many people in my life. I have always put everyone else before me. I have done it with grace and pleasure, most of the time. My heart needs to help others.

My spirit comes alive when I help others.

As I read this chapter, I was nodding a lot. I was reaching in the air to stop the invisible fingers from pointing at me. I found myself holding my ears trying to drown out the whispers that I heard as they said "Are you listening Tricia? You know it is time. You know it is time. You know it is time." I found myself crying as I read this profound, heart-thumping quote:

Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim.~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I want my pitcher to fill up to the brim. Oh yes I do. But I need it to spill over. I need to take time to help myself before it is too late.

The same can be said for me mentally and emotionally. I haven't been well mentally as I suffered with the diagnosis of depression. Along with obesity, depression has be the leader of my life. Everything seemed to circle around those two diseases. I could or couldn't do something because of the weight or emotional state I was in at the time. I have had to constantly ask myself "But are you well enough to do that?" or "How can you make it through that?"

All because I haven't made a commitment to focus on myself.

I am trying. God knows how much physical pain I live with daily. God knows how much I cannot do because I am morbidly obese. God knows how emotional baggage I have and God knows how much I have suffered because of both of these diseases.

But I don't want to give depression and morbid obesity the power to take away my life.

I want to live.

I want to be alive.

I want to be free.

I want to love myself enough to say that it is ok to take care of me first for a change. It's time. By doing this, I will cultivate my creative self and nurture her with the grace that I have done for everyone else over the years.

It's my time.

Secret #4 ~ Surrendering to Your Creative Cycles

I used to think that the only way I could be creative was when I was in a dark place, a depression. I say that because I would seemingly crank out the poetry, scrapbook more, read more, drown myself in music, create more art. When I was full of light, I wasn't creating anything near that spectacular. In fact, most of the time, during my light cycles, I wouldn't create a thing. Then depression hit again and my muse was seduced in a writing frenzy. I haven't written poetry in years. I haven't allowed that part of me to come out and play again in years. Probably because I haven't been in a really dark place in years either.

“Creation comes from cycles - sometimes small waves and sometimes big waves. And as the waves end, they want to rest - they have given all they could and need to replenish before moving again.” -Michelle Cassou

I want to acknowledge my rest. I haven't surrendered, yet, to the light cycles of my life. It is time to really believe that I do not have to be in a dark place to create great things. I have rested and replenished. Time to move forward. To create with intention, with purpose and most of all, without self-inflicted expectations. Time to let the light inspire my muse and let it be.

Secret #3- Following Your Fascinations

We have reached secret 3 in the journey of Next Chapter: 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women. As you can tell, I have done everything I can to put this secret off until the last moment. Tomorrow secret 4 will be discussed.

Risks. That word is a like a double edge sword in that it seems so very exciting to me at the thought of taking a risk but it also scares the hell out of me too. To take a risk is like taking that sword, slicing open your chest, exposing the heart of your soul, being excruciatingly vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable while my soul lays spilling open for all to see or even worse, judge.

Risks involve many questions in my head like: Will I fail, again? Who will laugh and point fingers? What is in it for me at the end? Will it help anyone? Is there an escape route if I find myself in the face of fear along the way? You see, more negative questions than positive ones. Yet, somewhere in my soul, I find myself getting pangs of adrenaline at the thought of being confident enough to take a risk without attaching those negative questions. Just go for it. Be daring. Be open to whatever happens. To not worry about the outcome, even if it is failure or others judging me. I see people all around me taking the road of risk and adventure with confidence and enthusiasm. I long for that kind of confidence. Confidence that drowns anxiety and propels living out loud.

I am 36 years old. It is time to stop living a life dripping of questions, doubts and worries. It is time to stop letting anxiety and low self-esteem cower me into a corner of doubt and fear. It is time to trust in myself enough to know that I am intelligent enough to take a risk now and then because it might be one that provides me with great joy in the end and maybe even a boost in confidence. Who wouldn't enjoy that outcome?

I know my obesity is what holds me back more than anything else 85% of the time. It hinders my daily living and is absolutely something that I have to account for regardless of what I am doing, going to do or want to do. I think if weight was not an issue, I would be more willing to take more risks because I know I could get outside of my head long enough to just FLY for a moment and be carefree. But I can't do that while I am obese. Trying everything to change that and still failing is risk in and of itself. I guess I am ultimately taking a bigger risk than I thought. But it is with my life...the quality of my life as an obese woman. I pray for change.

What sustains me on my journey to open up and guide me to follow my fascinations are my amazing husband. No, really, it is true. This man is my everything and I just do not know how I would do much of anything if he were not there being my biggest cheerleader and life coach. My children. They really are my saving grace. I was in a dark place before I became a mother and even a few years into motherhood. I was scared for my life and was a secret cutter and suffered a secret life of bulimia as well. But my daughters... I could see so much when I looked in their eyes. I could see life. I had to press on and take a risk towards a road of recovery. I think I have done pretty well and continue to do pretty well. Soul sisters. Spiritual connection to many online women who are on a similar life journey of creative exploration and greatness. They feed my soul in more ways than I could ever express and somehow, I know I do not even need to find the words because they get it. They really get it. Faith sustains me. Empathy, compassion, art, music, prayer,hope, laughter...they all sustain me.

Difficult this chapter, yes. But I am starting to really love who I am as I walk this path. I will embrace myself in warmth and caress the soul who wants more out of life, to discover who she really is inside and to set that woman free. With purpose and with gratitude for she has been the foundation of my spirit, my soul, my body and my mind. She is the true hero in all of this, the woman who resides inside of me and inside of this fat suit. She is much bigger than all the physical weight. She is much bigger than anyone who doubts who I am or what I can do or become. Even me.

(side note: last week i purchased that tin sign above. it really spoke to me as it reflects what i am trying to do on this journey of mine. i couldnt resist buying it and putting it on this shelf as a daily reminder to do as it says: "Transform Yourself. Spread your wings and FLY. Achieve something great".. lovely, right?)

{inspired living}

The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed. ~maya angelou

{clutter bug}

7 Tips for Beating Clutter Forever

Expert Donna Smallin knows hundreds of ways to get organized, but for long-lasting order at home, these seven simple strategies top her list.

Donna: Most people assume my home is perfectly organized. That's not entirely true. Yes, my house usually looks presentable, because I'm diligent about keeping my kitchen and living areas tidy. And I don't think I could sleep in a messy bedroom, so I never let messes build up there. But just like you, I've got clutter. Why? Because clutter happens. It's a natural byproduct of our busy, productive lives. Luckily, you don't have to stop everything to get organized. You just have to start somewhere. Here's how I do it:

Tip 1: Start with the Easy Stuff
Go through your home room by room in search of trash. Grab a recycling bin and toss outdated coupons, flyers, calendars, old newspapers, magazines, and catalogs. Shred paid utility bills and other statements not needed for tax purposes. Fill bags or boxes with clothing and linens to donate.

Tip 2: Set Small Goals
Say to yourself: Today I'm going to clean out my junk drawer and then I'm going to stop. Or set a timer for 15 minutes and go to it. You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish in these mini decluttering sessions. Seeing each project through gives you confidence for the next one.

Tip 3: Give Everything a Home
A big reason why clutter accumulates is because items are homeless. A good home for a frequently used item is one that makes it easy to retrieve and return. Oven mitts, for example, are ideally stored in a waist-height drawer near the stove, but the best home for a roasting pan might be in the garage, freeing up cabinet space for more regularly used items.

Tip 4: Give Yourself Permission to Let Go
If you had only 10 minutes to evacuate your home, what would you grab? Make a decision to surround yourself with only beloved and useful objects and let go of the rest. Have a garage sale, donate, or post items on freecycle.org, an online exchange.

Tip 5: Deal with Clutter Hotspots
You can't hide all clutter, but you can contain it. Look at where it collects and set up attractive ways to deal with it, like a large bowl on the kitchen counter to collect keys, or a big basket by the door for shoes. Discount stores and office supply houses have everything from patterned folders for storing bills to wicker, fabric, and leather boxes to match your decor.

Tip 6: Declutter Daily
It's easier to keep up than to catch up, so establish a daily routine. Grab a laundry basket and make the rounds, tossing in anything to be put away. Also purge periodically. As you sort through off-season clothing, get rid of what you didn't wear. Clean out filing cabinets at year's end.

Tip 7: Be a Good Gatekeeper
Think twice before you bring home something new. Ask yourself: Do I really need this? Where will I put it? Becoming a more conscious consumer goes a long way toward cutting clutter. Also cancel unwanted catalogs and switch to online bill-paying.

Paper Trail I feel like I spend half my time either filing or trashing paper! Can you relate? Try these strategies:

Perform triage on every piece of paper. Ask yourself, Do I need to save this for legal or tax reasons? If so, file it. Could I get this information again easily? If yes, toss it.Take action right away. File bills in a "Bills to Pay" folder. Respond to an invitation, note details on your calendar, then toss the invitation.Tear out articles from magazines and file them in plastic sleeves in a three-ring binder, then recycle the magazine.Use a notebook instead of random sticky notes for lists and contact info. Then you'll always know where to find what you've written.

Donna Smallin's most recent book is The One-Minute Organizer: A to Z Storage Solutions (Storey Publishing).

**I am currently under a mountain of clutter by my desk/in my office. Everywhere seems to be ok but here, well, I need to get moving with my goals of being clutter free in order to achieve ultimate balance, peace and happiness. I procrastinate this chore for as long as I can and then it manifests into a seriously daunting task that gives me pangs of guilt and makes me ill just thinking about where to start with it. Overwhelmed. I am going to try to follow these steps to simplify my life, my space. It all seems so obvious and common sense-like, I know. But to have it in written form is very helpful to me. *deep breath*...here I go!

hmm..interesting

Monday, January 26th, 2009
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

Whatever was holding you back finally seems to let go. Your creative dam could burst today, sending a flow of big ideas and original visions into your awareness. The real issue is whether or not you'll be able to express your experience in a manner that others will be able to understand. Your need to be seen and appreciated is strong now, so don't be afraid to let others know what's going on.

from tarot.com

(i cant seem to get myself to write my latest post for the next chapter...nor my sunday gratitudes, nor create space in my home...just a lot of negatives swimming in my head and i am holding myself back lately. i have to get over this and soon.)