thirty s.i.x.

My soul is so full today with gratitude, happiness and just an overwhelming feeling of being so very blessed in my life. I have so many things I want to write about but somehow, all I can think about is the touching card my lovely mother sent to me. I cannot express how much the words of that card meant to me, to know that is how she really feels...well, it is definitely tear-jerking! I wanted to share in hopes of inspiring someone to either tell their daughters how they feel about them, whether in a note, a card, or face to face AND for daughters to remember the love of their mothers. There truly is nothing like a mother's love.

For My Wonderful Daughter...I Couldn't Be Prouder Of You

Although I've known you since before you were born, somehow, you still continue to amaze me. I've watched you go through change after change. And I've seen you navigate through some pretty rough times with your heart as your compass and your strong, resilient spirit to carry you through. Simply put, I couldn't be prouder of you. You've grown from an adorable girl into a most remarkable woman. A woman I admire, love, and respect more every day. When I held you as a baby, I knew that you were special. When I see you as a woman, I realize just how special. More so than I ever could have imagined. Happy Birthday! All My Love, Mom

I am happy to be alive! I am proud of who I am. I am blessed beyond comprehension. Life is good. Real good.

joy, love and light...

Hello blog... Are you there? It's me, Tricia!

I know! I know! I had good intentions with this new blog. But then I got sucked into that web of thinking, "Wait. Do I really want to share anything with everyone?" Yeah, so, I kinda just let it simmer on the back burner knowing that when it was ready to boil, I would post something. And look, boiling point! ;)

Well, not boiling point in a bad way, just that I have things to spew and here is a good place to do that regardless who reads or doesn't read.

As per usual, I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I turn 36 in less than a week (oh my freaking hell) and I still am not where I want to be in my life. I want to DO more and BE more. By that, I simply mean that I feel a void in my soul still. I feel a yearning to do more than I have been doing with my life, other than being PTA vice-president and chairperson for multiple committees at the school. Don't get me wrong, I totally love that I have the opportunity to do that, it's just that I know I have a bigger purpose that I have not really found yet. Am I even suppose to "find" it? Or is it suppose to find me? Either way, I need something to find or it better find me soon.

I want to LIVE obnoxiously out loud! I want to do things that make my spirit soar. I want to travel. I want to bake. I want to do more charity work. I want to discover new things. I want to learn new things. I want to challenge myself to be more than I ever thought I could be and to BELIEVE that I can be and do it! I want to write more letters to my girls. I want to LIVE with purpose and promise.

Promise that there is a life waiting for me when I shed this massive amount of weight. Promise that there is the real me waiting to finally exhale. Promise that there are people in my life that fit just right and are there to stay. Promise that I will get to meet the people who I love and adore that I have only known online. The promise to feed my soul with positive energy and calm surroundings and joyful living. To nourish my heart and soul with the truth that lies within my inner self. To shine so brightly like I have never shined before. To do good in this world and to make a real difference in my life, the life of my family and friends and the lives of those who I meet on my life's journey. (how many times can you say "life" in one sentence?)

There are things that I want in my life and I have been sitting stagnant long enough. Today, I made an effort to reach out to my biological half-brother. I have not spoken to him since we were very young. He last told me he hated me because my dad had to pay support for me and that meant he couldn't do things. I know he was young. I know it was complicated to him. I know he is not the only one that was hurting. I was too. I mourned a lost relationship that we once shared. He is only 3 months younger than I am. His name is Chris. He and I look so much alike, it is unreal, like twins. I want to know him, his children and his wife. I want my children to know their uncle. I have tried reaching out to my biological father many many times. There is never a response. My girls have even written letters to their Pappy and he doesn't even acknowledge them either. I pray, with all that I have in me, that my brother will want to reconcile our relationship and be in each other's lives. It felt good to write that letter to him via facebook. but i feel sick to my stomach, afraid of the rejection if he doesnt respond yet full of hope that he will. i REALLY want a relationship with him. i fear he wont want that. im afraid of a broken heart. but I will do my best to hold onto faith. Faith that he will want the same things too, even if it takes awhile to get there. Some day. I hope.

I have really taken time to sort out odd feelings of uncertainty and other junk I was feeling about friendships too. And if you really know me, you know that I have always struggled with the issue of friendship. I often allow myself to feel abandoned, left out, unloved, unworthy etc etc. I also often felt like I would open myself up to people only for them to just not really care about me or be the kind of friend I needed them to be, nor could I be the kind of friend they needed me to be. It has been hard for me to accept that some so called friendships really are not friendships at all. I really don't have that many true friends. And I have even less that I do things with on a daily basis, or just a regular basis. I still long for that perfect friendship...the "best friend" syndrome. I hope it happens before I hit forty. :o) I don't allow others to control how I feel in a relationship any more. And while it hurts a little, I am no longer questioning MY WORTH if the friends start drifting away. That? Is a very good thing.

Lots to process in these few paragraphs so I will not add more (I so totally could though!) I will just say that I am a work in progress and I like the direction my life is headed. I just need to keep on the right path of self-appreciation and positive thinking.

Be well, internet, be well. Surround yourself with only the things that make you feel good, things that bring joy, love and light to your life. Inspire and be inspired. Daily.

Much love...

soak it in...

Promise Yourself:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

~Christian D. Larson

inspired living

Today's inspired living consists of a gratitude list. I have been trying to live with purpose and integrity. It was around age 11 that I started to really feel depressed and was diagnosed with depression at age 14. I have lived under a dark cloud since then but at nearly 36 years old, I am ready for the sun to shine on me. I am the one in control of my destiny. I am the one who can create my own happy experiences in life. The power of positive thinking is amazing. Sure, this is not fool proof. I still get sad and even lonely at times. But I am doing the best I know how at living a life with meaning and filling it with as much joy as I can. In doing so, I am becoming aware of how much gratitude resides in my soul. Being aware of it allows me to embrace the good in life, both in giving and receiving but mostly giving. In the spirit of giving, I am blessed ten fold in what I receive. I am not necessarily referring to material giving and receiving.

So with that, today, I am grateful for:

~A very uplifting phone call from my mother-in-law with good and inspiring news.

~After my shower this morning and doing my newly orange hair, I actually felt very pretty today. Others noticed. Especially my husband. Joy. Pure joy in my heart.

~Clearasil Ultra deep pore cleansing pads. Silly eh? Well, I have lived with bad skin and complexion since puberty. Nothing seems to have helped me ever. I started using these little gems three weeks ago and my skin is shiny, soft and radiant with very few breakouts. Happy!

~Stimulus check finally came today. Our cupboards and fridge are no longer bare!

~Placing a small order at Amazon for some summer reading for me and the girls. Thanks to my sweet husband.



What are you grateful for today?

rockstar momma

New salon.
New stylist.
New color.

Living out loud.

Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same.


Step outside of your comfort zone for a bit. Feel the freedom.

I am trying to love it. It's a bit bright for me. It photographs beautifully...It's like I think it is fabulous and kick ass when I look at photos of me but not when I look in the mirror. And of course, I cannot style it like the stylist did yesterday. So here are the pics, right after it was done.

*click any image to enlarge*

daddy don't you love me?

Today is Father's Day.

I have always hated this day. Over the years, all the hurt turned to anger only to turn back to hurt. I forced myself to go numb so I would not feel the intense pain this day brought to me. I was the girl without a daddy. I AM the woman without a daddy. I never have and never will know what it is like to have a doting father, one that is proud of you and thinks the sun rises and falls around you. I will never know what it is like to really feel the words that are in the cards in the store. I've always hated trying to find a card for my step-father. Somehow though, I would end up buying a sentimental card for "Dad" not step-dad and as I age, I know the only reason I did that was to appease my mother. Now, I still buy him cards, the man who verbally & emotionally abused me. The only difference is now I only pick out humorous cards. I cannot bring myself to buy a sentimental card because none of it is true for our relationship. I will never get the opportunity to buy one of those cards based on truth of a relationship.

This day makes me feel intense loss. I feel like I was cheated by not having an amazing father. This day is a huge reminder of the rejection and hurt bestowed upon me by my biological father who has always denied my existence and ignored my many attempts to reach out to him, both as a child and now as an adult. I stopped trying a few years ago. I just couldn't handle the pain it caused. How could he reject his own flesh and blood? I used to think I was a bad person because my own father didn't want me and my step-father treated me like I was a disease. I now know that it isn't and wasn't me. It is the two of them who have missed out on a chance to be my daddy; to be the man that I adored most in the world. Instead, that privilege went to my beloved grandfather. And every year that passes since his death, I feel even more pain on this day. He was the love of my life. He was my greatest role model. He was in all aspects of the word, my father. My daddy. Oh I miss him so.

He blessed me with his presence in a dream last night though. I walked into a family gathering and there he was, waiting for me. He said "There's my beautiful girl!" and I ran to his open arms. And it was the best feeling in the world. To feel that kind of love again from the man that acted as my father, not my grandfather. But it brings on such a huge amount of sorrow for me as well. I miss that kind of relationship. I want a daddy. I wish though, that my biological father or even my step-dad wanted that kind of relationship with me.

I try really hard not to dwell on the past. I know what it is like to feel that immense pain of abandonment and rejection. It will never leave me. I get so upset at my husband too because even though he is a great father, he still does not measure up to being the kind of father I wanted for my girls solely based on the image of a father I never had. Granted, he isn't a horrible daddy. He adores his daughters and praises them and hugs them and loves them more than I might even know. But still, there is something in my mind that thinks he should be doing more, saying more, being more.

Today is a hard day for me. Yes. I have so much respect for the men out there that dote on their children and show their love freely. I am envious of that kind of daddy. Yet, I am very happy for the children that get the chance to experience what a real dad is suppose to be. So happy father's day to those who are overjoyed that they have an amazing title of father and those who are so amazing that they can be called daddy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for realizing how precious and special that title is and for loving your children beyond comprehension.

The song by Kelly Pickler about her mother never being there, "I Wonder," hits home with me. It cuts to the very raw places that have never healed. The lyrics bring me to serious tears every time I listen. While the relationships are with a different parent, the words hold the same pain, the same emotional abandonment. I wish I never had to know what that felt like. But I do.

Dad, in the words of Kelly..."sometimes i think about you, wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' 'bout me...would you even recognize the woman that your little girl has grown up to be?"...No, you wouldn't because you chose to walk away and stay away. Well, dad, I feel sorry for you. You have missed out on the chance to be proud of how amazing YOUR daughter is. You cannot take credit for that, I'm so sorry. In spite of your choices, I have grown to be a woman that loves intensely. I forgive you, dad. Now, if you would only forgive yourself, we could have a beautiful relationship. I know that is still my little girl dream that will never come true but I just had to say it as my truth. "Did you think I didn't need you here, to hold my hand, to dry my tears? Did you even miss me through the years at all?" Daddy don't you love me?