teen angel

Yes. She is now my teen angel. Today, she turned 13. There is so much I want to say but somehow, tonight, I am having a hard time finding the right words. Words to do her justice. She is truly one of the most well rounded, intelligent, sweet, and kind young ladies I have ever known.

And how lucky am I that she is MY daughter?

Very lucky. Seriously.

Wise beyond her years, she continues to amaze me every day with just how fabulous she is, inside and out. I wear my "proud momma" badge with great honor. Everyone that has ever met Emily has commented on how special she is and how lucky we are as parents to be gifted with this girl. She touches lives and that is just one great quality of my first born.

She loves to read and cannot ever be found without a book in her presence. It is the first thing, next to jewelry, that she wants to spend money on and the first thing she puts on a wish list. I am so grateful that she has inherited my love of books.

Art is her passion. And wow, what an artist she is. I will always encourage her to express herself through art... to be creative every day. To inspire and be inspired. She still says that she wants to be an art teacher when she grows up and now has added to that the desire to be a photographer too. She is very good with a camera in her hands and I have no doubts that she will be very successful in anything she attempts to do with her life.

She sees the best in people. She strives for peace. She longs for understanding. She seeks acceptance. She is blooming in new found confidence. She loves music. She loves her friends. She has been on the distinguished honor roll since first grade. She is a class representative. She makes me proud. So very proud. She is a joy. A true joy and brings so much warmth to our family.

And I know, without a shadow of doubt, that she will bring so much positive energy to the world around her as she grows into an amazing woman. She will change lives. She is going places. She will do big things. She will.

I will always be her biggest fan in life. I adore her and there will never be appropriate words to express just how much I love her. My teen angel. My beautiful young lady. My gorgeous daughter. I'm so blessed.

(please excuse the quality of the photo...it was taken with a cell phone at starbucks..her treat while shopping with momma..making memories)

daddy don't you love me?

Today is Father's Day.

I have always hated this day. Over the years, all the hurt turned to anger only to turn back to hurt. I forced myself to go numb so I would not feel the intense pain this day brought to me. I was the girl without a daddy. I AM the woman without a daddy. I never have and never will know what it is like to have a doting father, one that is proud of you and thinks the sun rises and falls around you. I will never know what it is like to really feel the words that are in the cards in the store. I've always hated trying to find a card for my step-father. Somehow though, I would end up buying a sentimental card for "Dad" not step-dad and as I age, I know the only reason I did that was to appease my mother. Now, I still buy him cards, the man who verbally & emotionally abused me. The only difference is now I only pick out humorous cards. I cannot bring myself to buy a sentimental card because none of it is true for our relationship. I will never get the opportunity to buy one of those cards based on truth of a relationship.

This day makes me feel intense loss. I feel like I was cheated by not having an amazing father. This day is a huge reminder of the rejection and hurt bestowed upon me by my biological father who has always denied my existence and ignored my many attempts to reach out to him, both as a child and now as an adult. I stopped trying a few years ago. I just couldn't handle the pain it caused. How could he reject his own flesh and blood? I used to think I was a bad person because my own father didn't want me and my step-father treated me like I was a disease. I now know that it isn't and wasn't me. It is the two of them who have missed out on a chance to be my daddy; to be the man that I adored most in the world. Instead, that privilege went to my beloved grandfather. And every year that passes since his death, I feel even more pain on this day. He was the love of my life. He was my greatest role model. He was in all aspects of the word, my father. My daddy. Oh I miss him so.

He blessed me with his presence in a dream last night though. I walked into a family gathering and there he was, waiting for me. He said "There's my beautiful girl!" and I ran to his open arms. And it was the best feeling in the world. To feel that kind of love again from the man that acted as my father, not my grandfather. But it brings on such a huge amount of sorrow for me as well. I miss that kind of relationship. I want a daddy. I wish though, that my biological father or even my step-dad wanted that kind of relationship with me.

I try really hard not to dwell on the past. I know what it is like to feel that immense pain of abandonment and rejection. It will never leave me. I get so upset at my husband too because even though he is a great father, he still does not measure up to being the kind of father I wanted for my girls solely based on the image of a father I never had. Granted, he isn't a horrible daddy. He adores his daughters and praises them and hugs them and loves them more than I might even know. But still, there is something in my mind that thinks he should be doing more, saying more, being more.

Today is a hard day for me. Yes. I have so much respect for the men out there that dote on their children and show their love freely. I am envious of that kind of daddy. Yet, I am very happy for the children that get the chance to experience what a real dad is suppose to be. So happy father's day to those who are overjoyed that they have an amazing title of father and those who are so amazing that they can be called daddy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for realizing how precious and special that title is and for loving your children beyond comprehension.

The song by Kelly Pickler about her mother never being there, "I Wonder," hits home with me. It cuts to the very raw places that have never healed. The lyrics bring me to serious tears every time I listen. While the relationships are with a different parent, the words hold the same pain, the same emotional abandonment. I wish I never had to know what that felt like. But I do.

Dad, in the words of Kelly..."sometimes i think about you, wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' 'bout me...would you even recognize the woman that your little girl has grown up to be?"...No, you wouldn't because you chose to walk away and stay away. Well, dad, I feel sorry for you. You have missed out on the chance to be proud of how amazing YOUR daughter is. You cannot take credit for that, I'm so sorry. In spite of your choices, I have grown to be a woman that loves intensely. I forgive you, dad. Now, if you would only forgive yourself, we could have a beautiful relationship. I know that is still my little girl dream that will never come true but I just had to say it as my truth. "Did you think I didn't need you here, to hold my hand, to dry my tears? Did you even miss me through the years at all?" Daddy don't you love me?

gift of wings

As a mother, part of our job is to raise our children well so that some day, we can give them wings to fly into the magnificence of life. What we cannot prepare ourselves for, no matter what anyone else says, is that it comes sooner than we anticipate.

And it's not easy.

Friday night, we stood outside a charter bus that would transport our oldest daughter states away for a class trip, knowing she wouldn't return home until Sunday night. Even though we knew she would have the time of her life, it was (and is) very hard to give her the gift of wings so she can experience the world around her, without mommy and daddy nearby. She is just twelve (and a half!) years old. MY baby girl is so far away. She has been texting me and calling a often. I love that she is thinking about me while she is away. And yes, she is having the most incredible time with her friends.

The main thing that we were blessed with that has soothed me is that fact that Emily is rooming with a teacher. A very cool teacher. And she is very happy to be rooming with an adult. And they will (and have been) spending the day together at the park. It surely has eased some worry from my over active imagination. You know, the what ifs and the stupid thoughts that send you into a panic because you cannot be there to protect your child?

Um. Yeah. I have been through every silly thought imaginable. Unnecessarily so, at this point.

I must learn to rely on faith a bit more.

She went on her very first roller coaster and then some! I wasn't there to experience that with her. Yeah, I know, big deal, right? Not really. Moms like me want to be there all the way for all the "firsts"...it's just the way it is. And when we aren't, well, it can be a little emotional. I want the best for my children. I want to watch with crazy pride as they soar into their future as young women. And have faith that even when I am not nearby physically, I am always nearby in spirit.

And this is only one weekend away... can't even imagine the wreck I will be when she graduates!

The gift of wings....a beautiful thing.

and a somewhat scary thing too.

today she is ten.

Ten years ago, I gave birth to this gorgeous little girl of mine. I am so blessed that she is MY daughter. She is everything every mom dreams of having in a little girl. Her outer beauty is obvious and her inner beauty shines right through as well. She is amazing and will grow to do big things. Compassionate, empathetic, humble, gracious, fair, quiet, sensitive, kind, funny, and sweet are only a few of the words that I use to describe her. She truly is a very special girl. My gift. I love you, Jenna.

Happy Birthday, sweet baby!