wishcasting wednesday

Today is wishcasting wednesday over at the lovely Jamie's ~ Starshyne Productions. You can set your wishes free while supporting the wishes of other lovely people too.



The question asked today is: What do you wish for your creativity?

I wish that my soul will spill open in big ways and I will learn to embrace the art that is created without being overly critical of myself. Instead, I wish to enjoy the process and respect the end result as a product of my authentic creative self being expressed in new ways, bold ways, and dynamic ways. I wish this wish in honor of my creative soul. I wish for more time to be free with my creativity...to make the time that will allow my creativity to take flight! To inspire & be inspired!

Conditions for creativity are to be puzzled; to concentrate; to accept conflict and tension; to be born everyday; to feel a sense of self.~ Erich Fromm

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. ~ Nietzche

Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Secret One: Acknowledging Your Creative Self

So it's begun. A new dawn, a new journey. Scared at first, I wasn't sure if I should commit to any kind of project, especially one that I was going to be held accountable for publicly, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and took a leap of faith. In myself. I have to admit, I am still nervous about this whole process but not because I don't have faith in myself, more so, the lack of faith in my actions. I have started so many endeavors of self-improvement, proclaiming year after year that it was going to be "my year" only to fail, quit, give up somewhere along the process. I would devastate myself by giving up on the one person that needs my love the most...me. How could I expect to give my love freely if I was so easy to give up on myself?

Needless to say, I have felt compelled to begin a year of healing. I won't be giving up this time. I need to be my biggest fan. I need to love myself not for what I look like to the outward eyes that view me but for the way I shine inside. And instead of sabotaging myself yet again, I am going to embrace all of me and nurture my creative soul. I have muted my muse for far too long. It is time I celebrate the beauty that she is and yes, she is extraordinarily beautiful.

When I came across Jamie's posts while she was in the midst of "Soul Coaching," there was a flicker of light being babied inside of me. I felt the flames of change and I knew it was time to surrender, to take a hold of my life again. So she announced that she would lead The Next Chapter: 12 Steps of Highly Creative Women, I knew I had to join. I knew I was going to be living my life motto of "Inspire & Be Inspired"...living an inspired life. Wow! How empowering is that?

There was a sentence in the book that reached out and grabbed me and said LISTEN,

"We continue to be stifled by a host of factors that cause us to sensor our inner voices and follow someone else's dream."

Ahhh! So true. I have allowed myself to be punished by my past; thinking all the time that I am unworthy and feeling increasingly small in a world of people that were not like me. I was/am different. Instead of embracing the unique qualities that I possess, I continued to berate myself for being so on the outside. Well it is time to stop sitting on the sidelines of life. I will not allow myself to feel or be insignificant. I will break through and let my creative muse be free to create magic without abandon, to revel in the beauty within while outwardly expressing what my soul feels. I will listen to my artistic voice and become my authentic self, which is a burst of beautiful ordinary. I will allow compassion and passion to lead me to paint my story in the medium in which my authentic self shines.

My creative self has not yet reached its potential. I am going to live out loud, dare to let go of any inhibitions and fill a void with grace. I'm ready to engage in life, creatively, spiritually and blissfully. Giving up on me is not an option. I will heal. I will soar. I will bleed inspiration. I will encourage my heart's desires to be met. I will breathe in life as I see it and feel it. I want to believe in myself, my photography, my art, my writing and let each of those gifts be opened with the intentions of accepting who I am and what I create to be good enough. I will create a retreat that feeds my soul within my place of comfort and safety, my home. I will cultivate my life and trust my creative muse as she guides me on this new journey of creating the life that fills my soul with joy. I will find my BLISS. I will BE PRESENT. I will BE BLESSED. I will just BE.

In closing, I would like to leave you with this quote that touched me as I read it in the book:

In the sacred traditions, the first thing you do in the morning is ask for blessings from the four elements: earth, air, fire and water. Because all of the work that you are going to do that day will change the universe. ~Laura Esquivel

{Gratitude Sunday}

As a part of my personal growth in 2009, I wanted to document things that I am grateful for each week. These lists can and will include anything from minor, silly things to more personal, deeper, important things. I will highlight what made my heart feel blessed each Sunday. My goal is to list at least 3 to 5 things. I encourage everyone reading this to do the same or something similar. It is very easy to get caught up in the negative energy of life and it really is quite an easy project to take on that allows us to focus on the positive, the blessings, the joy of life. So go on now, fill your soul with life's little blessings.



Gratitude ~ week one

*Having the Wii. Seriously. It has brought my family even closer and there is no way to measure the amount of laughter we have shared over this silly gaming device.

*New books to help continue on a path of self-awareness, self-improvement. Projects that will enhance the quality of my every day life.

*Having the confidence to know that there really is a right time for everything and I knew it was the right time to make some changes that benefit me, for once.

*My children & my husband for being so helpful, understanding and caring about all my health issues right now. They have not complained about the amount of weight they have to do in my place around the house and more. They have all proven their love a thousand times over by being fundamental in making my life (ie: the pain, the obesity, etc) more manageable. I hate to be so dependent on them but thank God they have unconditional love for me. I would truly be lost without them.

*starbucks. ok. so you knew i was going to say that, right? listen, i do love me some starbucks and thank the gods for the days it has pulled me through...but people, i have to cut back. and i will. i am going to try drinking more hot tea. Wait! Seriously though, I will be treating myself to at least one trip to the 'bux a week. it would be sacrilege to not go...right? ;o)

"Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot"

Was blog hopping this morning and came across this & felt compelled to share it with anyone that might find themselves reading my blog.

by Sting

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When you're down and they're counting
When your secrets all found out
When your troubles take to mounting
When the map you have leads you to doubt
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know

Well, Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

When the doctors failed to heal you
When no medicine chest can make you well
When no counsel leads to comfort
When there are no more lies they can tell
No more useless information
And the compass spins
The compass spins
between heaven and hell

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

And your eyes turn towards the window pane
To the lights upon the hill
The distance seems so strange to you now

And the dark room seems so still
Let your pain be my sorrow
Let your tears be my tears too
Let your courage be my model
That the north you find will be true
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know

Well, let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you
Let your soul guide you upon your way...

{...to belong}

I've got left over pain that runs deep inside me and I am having a very difficult time tonight dealing with it. I want so badly to rid myself of the scars, the terror, the anxiety, the loneliness it causes me. It isn't a new issue. It is ongoing, ever present. It sits on the edge of my heart and taunts me like a playground bully.

I've tried to work past my inner pain, to let go of the insecurities that inhibit me from being fully approachable, fully likable. Yet, I find myself incessantly wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I am constantly finding myself on the outside of the social circles? I am just always on the outskirts, in the suburbia arena, as I watch everyone else journey to the city. No one looks back to see me standing there, alone.

I am seemingly left out of every social network circle that I try to wedge myself into and it is cumbersome and heartbreaking to feel unworthy of attention, time, care and well, the reciprocity of what it means to be a real friend. I still don't have many of those. I don't really have a "bff" or someone that considers me their "bff." I have very few friends that I even trust with my heart...very few. I feel this guard has sucked my very last breath out of my body and I have nothing more to give. I find myself wondering why...why, God, why in the hell do I continue to share myself with the web of the internet with very little in return? Is it all about receiving? No. But let me tell you, I am sure it feels very good to be on that end on a consistent basis. I spill open for the world to see and watch silently in the shadows as people gawk and pass me by, every time, as if what I have to say or share-whether it is a photography, a blog post, an update- does not matter and is not worthy of their time to comment as they do with everyone else. Sure, let me not discount the wonderful people that do not. There are a small handful that are present because they genuinely care about me. But I am talking more about people who claim friendship and then treat you as though you are nonexistent.

I don't care how old you are, it still stings as if you were 8 and you are always the last chosen for teams. It still hurts no matter how hard I try to work through it. I really would love to know why people don't stick around or why people gawk and continue to walk away from me all the while they are swooning all over common "friends" right before my very eyes. It's heartbreaking to be left on the sidelines all the time. The circles are present. The cliques never really go away. Neither does the pain of feeling less than worthy. But this is something that I will work through this year. With diligence. I will do my best not to be kicked while I am down and better yet, I will work hard not to let being on the outside hurt so deeply. Because, after all, what makes being in some of those circles that special?

At 36, I hope to find my own circle that loves me the way I love them. I mean, isn't that what life is about any way? Surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting people that enhance your life? I don't want to hurt like this any more. Rejection, isolation, abandonment... they all are just too painful. I am just an ordinary woman who wants what most people do, acceptance...to feel like a part of something bigger. To belong. I don't know where I belong.

{fresh}

It's now 2009. Happy New Year!

I've got big plans for this year.

I've committed to a few creative projects.

I've committed to more personal growth projects.

And can't help but smile knowing that promise proceeds on jan. 20th.

Yes. I feel it in my guts, people. This is going to be an amazing year.

A year of hope.

A year of promise.

A year of change.

Be present.

be a lamp unto yourself. work out your liberation with diligence. ~ buddha